Big Ole Butt

“Never trust a big butt and a smile. That girl is poison. She’s dangerous.” Even at 9 years old I knew that I was going to be the girl they were talking about. I knew I was going to have a nice butt and where I come from a nice butt is a big deal. I was right. Trust me; there is no joy in being a black girl without a nice booty. I’ve seen it and it is not pretty. I have brothers and cousins and I have heard what they say. A cute face is nice, but the booty is a deal closer.

That scene in Beauty Shop is real. You know the one where Queen Latifah asks if the jeans make her butt look big and her daughter says, “Yes” and she says, “Good” and walks out. That is how my cousin picks her clothes. I didn’t know there was any other way until I went to college and heard girls lamenting over having a big butt. Ha. Ladies, a big butt is not a curse if you know how to work it. Once you get the right switch in those hips you can conquer the world.

Think about it for a minute. Kim Kardashian has built a whole career on her big fat fanny. Sir Mix-a-Lot owes whatever career he has to his love of a good “back”.  Jennifer Lopez, Nicki Minaj, Lisa Raye, Buffy “The Body”, Karrine Steffans, Coco, Amber Rose, and even Stacy Dash owe a part of their fame to looking good from behind. 2 Live Crew made their entire careers off of booty music. Even Sisqo got in on the action with the Thong Song. You don’t hear people singing about bras, do you?

The greatest party scene in the history of cinema is the party from School Daze (Animal House is a close second, but their party looks like you might need a tetanus shot later and that is not sexy) and what song is playing in the background? “Da Butt”. Teddy Riley summed up what all the guys in my neighborhood were thinking with the line “All I wanna do is zoom-a-zoom-zoom- zoom and a boom-boom - JUST SHAKE YA RUMP” That song is a party starter. You can even say that and get a laugh, but go somewhere other than a strip club telling a girl to JUST SHAKE YA TITS and see where that gets you.

I first realized the power of the butt when I was in junior high. I look young for my age and always have. Older boys hardly ever paid that much attention to me when I would be out. They would see me coming, smile and go on about their business. That is until I would walk past. I would get about 3 feet ahead of them and inevitably hear, “Aye oh, wait up.” My sister has one too and I have seen her stop traffic and cause at least one motorcycle accident just by walking down the street.

What is it about the booty? I think it is because a good booty doesn’t sag. My mom is officially a senior citizen, but her back yard is still “bangin’ like a Benzie”.

It is a mistake to think that you have to be fat to have a big butt. I mean has anyone looked at Serena Williams. That girl is fit, but her backside has made Jamie Foxx sing to her twice at the ESPN Awards. A nice booty is not sloppy. It doesn’t keep shaking when you stop, but it should shake.

Don't get me wrong, there are some downsides. My skirt will never be the same length in the back as it is in the front. I may never find a pair of vanishing edge panties that actually vanish and will never be able to pick something up off the ground without drawing attention to myself, but I would not trade it for the alternative.

I went to undergrad at a mostly white school and the semester after BET started coming with basic cable package was the same summer the song “Shake It Fast” came out and I received more invitations out in one week than I had the whole year before. Why is that? Because they had been introduced to booty music, seen the video and were now in love. That is what a nice derriere will do. Remember “even white boys have to shout.”

**Butt Test – If you really want to test whether you have a big butt I will show you how. Get a friend. Press your back against the wall as hard as you can until you are as flat against the wall as you can be without bending. Then have your friend try to stick his/her arm in the space that the small of your back should create. If they can get their hand through with ease then you have a big butt. If not shut up and do some squats!