Flirting 101

Flirting with a stranger is like speed dating without the pressure. You can find out so much and connect or bail in those first few minutes without the awkwardness of an official date. Flirting makes, when done right, makes everyone feel good.

I was voted class flirt. That was a long time ago, but I still practice on my husband. It is one of the few things that I am good at. I thought everyone knew how to do it. I was apparently wrong. I mean really people, what were you all doing in high school? Reading books? Planning for the future?

It has recently come to my attention that some of my friends do not really know how to flirt. I was surprised to learn that these beautiful, talented, smart women with whom I share great conversation were unable to parlay their charms into romantic success just because they could not stir up interest in the initial conversation. Here are the five very basic tips I gave one friend who asked. She says they worked the minute she put them into play.

1. Acknowledge the other person’s existence: Simple, right? Apparently not. You have got to say something. You cannot just smile at something they said or nod in their direction. You have got to have some kind of introductory exchange. Preferably with eye contact. The only people who can get away with batting their eyes and looking away coyly are teenage girls and I am assuming that you are hoping not to attract someone who wants to date a teenage girl.

For example, if you are at the sports bar and he makes some celebratory noise or grunt of disappointment. You can look up and ask what you just missed. If you are making after-party decisions feel free to ask the cute bartender/waiter/group of guys at the next table for suggestions. If you are at the same conference and sharing the elevator you can ask which lecture he just came from. The key here is to actually talk to the other person of interest. Looking away while giggling and smiling from across the room are not the same as really exchanging words.

2. Ask for input/opinions: This goes hand and hand with acknowledging his/her presence. Flirting, however, is not an interrogation. You find out a lot about a person by getting their opinion about where you and your friends should go after drinks. If they pick a place you hate, you know that you are probably not into the same things and you can move on. If they say somewhere you love or have been dying to go you can take it from there. Keep it light- sports, movies, music, hotspots.

3. Care or at least look like you care about the answer: Flirting makes people feel good because it makes them feel attractive and interesting. Nobody wants to have a conversation with someone who looks distracted - even if the whole time you are think how great it is to be talking to someone this good looking or fun. Other people cannot hear your internal dialogue.

4. Keep it classy and don’t discriminate – Lap dances are not classy. Falling all over someone, passing them your panties, and slipping your room key in his/her pocket are all ways to let someone know that you are interested, but none of them are classy. Flirting is just “selling the dream” not giving away the milk, cow and family farm. It is also ok to flirt a little with people who may not be of interest because the ugly bartender or so/so day trader may have a cute cousin coming to meet him. Flirting makes people feel good and want you around and you want to be around when the cute one shows up.

5. Have an end goal in mind – Your goal may just be to start getting comfortable with putting yourself out there. That is ok, but if your goal is to get the phone number you should try to steer the conversation in that direction. I suggest being subtle. Subtlety is like a safety net. You can feel out the situation and if sparks are not flying you can abort without having embarrassed yourself. Please refer to point #4. Suggest meeting up somewhere. Mention some vaguely future event and see what happens. Don’t leave it to chance.

6. *This tip is especially for the guys. Be nice- Being cute will get our attention, but being nice will get you a date. I have had friends leave long-term relationships (even marriage) because the guy wasn’t nice. Example: When Ice T asked Coco if she would be willing to date a gansta rapper she said, “If he’s nice.” Think about it.

Hope it helps. Happy Flirting!