I Am $10,000 In Debt…To My Mom!

This is my most personal entry yet. So, if you don’t really want to go deep then stop here.

One of the hardest things about growing up, at least for me, is accepting financial responsibilities. I am spoiled. I have never paid rent because I moved back home when I graduated college. All my expenses were paid because my parents made the mistake of telling me that all my needs would be taken care of as long as I was in school. So I decided to grad school and squeeze out another 2 years of easy living.

I made the mistake that so many of my peers did. I filled out the form to “help out” some college age credit card pusher. At least I got a t-shirt, right? I told myself I would never use it. Yeah, right. Just like I am only going to eat one cookie. I worked at a designer clothing store and in a moment of weakness before a trip to Cancun, I went shopping. I had never done anything quite like that and I was exhilarated and gripped with fear at the same time. In the back of my mind there was a voice saying, “You know you are going to have to pay for this, right? You do realize you don’t have any money to pay for this, right?” It was easily drowned out by the sounds of my coworkers telling me how good I looked. I was helping us make our sales quota and looking good in the process I might add.

Then the bill came. I was way too embarrassed to tell my parents what I had done this time.

v     It was not like when I ran up the cell phone bill to over $300. (Unlike now, in the 90’s a $300 phone bill meant that you were running a small company. There was no texting and no smart phone data plan. Just me talking on a phone that was “Roaming”)

v     It was not like the time that my mother gave me access to her bank account only to have me spend almost $1,000 in 2 trips to the mall. (Hey, I checked the balance. There was money there. It just never occurred to me that it wasn’t for me to spend.)

v     It wasn’t even like that time in high school when I could not make up my mind what key chain I wanted and spent $50 because I bought them all. (In my defense, that was actually my money. It was just poor judgment and should have been my parent’s first clue that I needed help.)

No. Those were the mistakes of a foolish girl- not the mature woman I was trying to show them I was becoming. I was going to fix this on my own. That is so not what happened. I struggled for 4 years with that credit card. I would get it down and then buy some foolishness or have an emergency. I had to buy a new computer, but had no cash or savings. Charged it. My car broke down. (Actually it was smoking so bad the state trooper thought it was on fire and had the fire department hose it down on the shoulder of the highway.) I had no cash to pay for the tow or the repairs. Charged it. That card was my safety and my noose. I was in way over my head. By then, I really was an adult, making good money and living rent free and just knew I could pay it if I really tried. I just never really tried.

Nope. I bought a new car. I got a new cell phone and carrier. I got new clothes to go with my new job. I hung out with my friends. That credit card could wait. That was until I fell in love with Husband. He is all about fiscal responsibility. He is the yang to my yin. He saves. He hates credit unless he can figure out how to make it work in his favor. He is a 100% cash and carry kind of guy and I love him for it. He will negotiate anywhere and with anyone. I love to watch him talk someone down off a price. If fascinates me and to be perfectly honest I think it is kind of hot. So it is clear that I knew Husband wasn’t that going to be down for my “free money” living. I had to come clean about the credit and accept financial responsibility for the first time.

That is what I thought, but that is not exactly how it went down. I did come clean, but he did not freak out. On the contrary, he paid off my cards. I just had to promise not to do that again. “NO PROBLEM!!!”, I said. I meant it, too. I would no longer be held hostage to debt. I was going to finally take charge of my finances and this clean slate was the perfect opportunity. Besides I hate answering to other people and it is really hard to tell someone to mind their own business and not to worry about what you are doing when you are spending their money. (Trust me. I’ve tried.)

I was doing a good job too- 4 years and not a credit bill in sight. That is until my mother showed up with a gold card that had my name on it. “Just keep it for emergencies”. “It is attached to my card. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of the bill and you can always pay me back if you have to.” Next thing you know I am buying bathing suits at Nordstrom. Not one, but four because I just can’t make up my mind. I am buying lunch and groceries, computers, gym membership, etc. Then one day it hit me. I am right back where I started. Accept instead of being 19 or 20 I am a grown woman who in a year and a half has racked up over $10,000 on her mother’s credit card. She didn't ask for it, but I have got to pay her back. ASAP!!!

What is wrong with me? How did I get here again? Is this what my clients feel like when they relapse? Should I tell Husband what I have done this time? All I know is that this has got to stop. I have got to pay her back and get my act together. I may even have to get rid of the card. (That just literally made my chest ache.)

If the first step to recovery truly is admitting that you have a problem then here it is: My name is amanda janaan and clearly I have a problem. I have over 10.000 problems and I owe all 10,000 to my mother.  

*Yes, I am going to pay her back. Just as soon as I figure out which one of my kids to stop feeding. Kidding. I have a payment plan and this is the last time- No Really. I mean it. Who am I kidding? Let's just say I am going to try REALLY hard.