Scream & Run

Have you ever just wanted to run screaming from a room or a conversation? I remember being in class with 3 of my friends and neither of us wanted to be there. We started trying to brainstorm ways to get out of class without being penalized. I came up with the most brilliant plan ever. (I am nothing if modest!) I said that we should each scream, get up and run out of the room. I was sure that it would work. First, it would be totally unexpected and erase the suspicion of this being planned. Secondly, I have found that if you scream the person next to you will likely scream as well. Especially because this was early Friday morning and parties started on Thursday night at my campus. I was sure there were people in that room who were still coming down off the party high and on the verge of hallucinating anyway. Therefore, I concluded that if the 4 of us were to look down and scream like we saw something we could likely start a chain reaction of fear and be free. Unfortunately, my punk friends doubted my genius and the power of the mob mentality. So, we sat through another painful hour of class wishing we were somewhere else.

I still, however, still find myself in situations where all I want to do is scream and run. When people come and say crazy things like this:

Crazy 1- Raise taxes, ugh, they just want to take my private jet. (Laughs. walks off)

Crazy 2 – They don’t understand if they raise taxes he will have to lay off people.

Me- Sorry, I still think rich people should pay the same percentage or more in taxes.

Crazy 2 – Then you can be looking for another job. If he pays more then he won’t be able to afford it.

Me – (Blank stare. If having a private jet is more important that employing someone then there is no point in continuing this foolishness.) I still think they should pay more based on income.

Crazy 2 – (walks off. exasperated) They just want us to pay more money.

Crazy 3 – Then you have a socialist government.

WHAT!?! That is totally not how socialism works. You cannot be serious. I have a degree in Sociology. I can totally explain socialism to you if you really are this clueless. Next you'll be telling me that global warming is not real and all the research is just a conspiracy and that the extreme temperature and dying animals is just the natural cycle of the earth. Oh, wait you said that last week. "AAAAGGGGHHH!" I can't take anymore crazy talk. I should run away just in case stupid is contagious.

This was not as bad as when someone I worked with decided to tell me about her painful periods that were the result of fibroids while I was making tea to go with my breakfast bagel. It gets better. I had a male coworker let me know that he was not circumcised and wanted to tell me why it was a better choice. All I was thinking at the time was SCREAM AND RUN!

I have one of those faces that makes people instantly comfortable. This often results in people saying wildly inappropriate things in my presence. They usually say them directly to me. I know who at work has ED meds. I know who is trying for a baby. I know who is going for a mammogram. This gift extends to strangers who talk to me about stretch marks, their frustration with their jobs/spouses/children. The list could go on forever.

I have had people question my ethnic make-up on more than on occasion despite me thinking that my ancestry is obvious. One thing is clear, though. I am not white. I am, however, a magnet for inappropriate racial discussions.  Here is a sample:

“You will like this book. He wrote God as a black woman.” (Make sure that you say it to yourself in the most condescending voice you can imagine)

“I asked, ‘What is wrong with you people? Having babies without being married first.”

“What color are your nipples? Are black girl nipples really bigger than a quarter?

“You are my first black friend. There were only 2 black kids in my town and they were in special ed, but you are so smart” (In her defense, she was drunk, but drinking just made her say what she was already thinking)

Every instance just makes me want to scream and run. I literally hear screaming in my head. My head feels like it is going to swell and explode with various expletives and my eyes feels like they could shoot razor blades. I want to run to protect myself from what I might do. What is the other alternative? I can’t haul off and start pummeling people. That would only reinforce the “crazy black girl” stereotype and I am way too cute for jail. Nope. I just have to find a way to cope with this like all the other unsolicited comments.

But I am sure that I could cut the comments in half if the next time it happens I just yelled, “AAARRRGGGGHHHH!” and took off running. It would at least make for a good story.