3 Steps to Break-Up

All of my friends are guilty of the same three step thought process before a break-up. I would probably be guilty of many of the same offenses myself if I had ever been a good girlfriend to anyone other than Husband. I was more like the pitcher in a baseball game- having the ball (a boyfriend) never meant that I stopped scanning the field. I am not talking about people like me. I am talking about my friends that genuinely try (repeatedly) to find and maintain a healthy romantic relationship.

If you are wondering how I escaped the 3 Step on my first real try at being a girlfriend, I will have to be honest and tell you what I tell all my friends. “God pities babies and fools.” You can decide which one I am. Seriously, I was never one for wasting time. I know my limits and usually bail out at the first sign of annoyance. I may have tried a lot of shoes, but I never tried to force the glass slipper to fit. I mean, really, there is nothing sexy about having a hammer toe and corns in a see through shoe. That is the mistake so many of my friends make. Maybe this story is true for your friends too.

Beginning: My friends have dated some really terrible guys and some really great guys, but there is one thing that they all have in common. Like all humans, every guy has a flaw. It can be big or small. Some examples include, but are not limited to

singing off key, being clingy, being a terrible liar who keeps lying despite always getting caught, having no ambition, being a mama’s boy, making lame jokes, being arrogant, having a hairy chest, being selfish, chewing funny, playing too much, being a bad dresser, cursing, having bad teeth and my personal favorite “he embarrasses me.”

You may be thinking that clearly some of these things are more serious than others. Truthfully, however, for each person they rank differently, but what is most important to realize is that you KNOW there is a problem. Most girls know within a short amount of time that there is a problem of some sort. We sit and tell our friends that there is a problem we have uncovered and then this happens…

Step 1: Once we hear what our friends have to say, regardless of if they tell us we are being petty or to pack our bags and run we always give the same response. We say one of two things “I can handle it” or “It is not that big of a deal” The thing about this phase is that everyone knows that you are lying except for you. Whether it takes 6 days, months or 6 years you will eventually say, “Aaahh, I can’t take this anymore! Why do you (fill in the blank)?” This does not make you a bad person, but let’s be real about this. The reason you noticed the flaw in the first place is because it is something that bothers you. It will probably always bother you and pretending like it won’t or acting like you will grow to love it is akin to Husband acting like he watches Jessica Alba movies for the acting. RIDICULOUS!!! (I know he watches Honey with the sound off.)

Step 2: It is at this point that my girlfriends usually have an epiphany. “I can change him.” It is also at this point that I generally stop talking because the train is officially off the tracks. Some of the plans are elaborate covert operations to convince him or trick him into changing and some are more obvious ultimatums, but the outcome is usually the same. He doesn’t change and she is at once heartbroken and furious. Did this staunch supporter of the NAACP know that the only this fool knew about Rosa Parks was from the OutKast song? Yes, but she could fix all that with the power of her love (not to mention a few books and a documentary even though he made it perfectly clear he was happy being ignorant.)

Step 3: Once she realizes that he has not made a marked improvement in her allotted time period she reaches the 3^rd and final stage. She is now “OVER IT!” This is the stage where the same friends who told you in Step 1 that this was not a good idea pretend to be surprised by the “revelation” that things are not working out. “What? Girl, I can’t believe he brought your mother out with you all again after you made her sit in the backseat last time. I thought for sure he would take the hint.” No we didn’t. We were hoping you would get the hint and start being honest about the flaws you can live with.

No many is perfect, you just have to find the flaws that amuse you and balance out your crap. I think it is hilarious that Husband is so cheap that he sits in the house with the lights off and calculates whether using the coupon I gave him is really worth splurging on name brand products. It balances out my label loving. I tell my male friends the same thing. “You are right. All women are crazy. You just have to find the crazy you can live with. You will know when you find it because you will think it is cute.”

 Until then, why settle?