Awkward

Some interactions are just awkward. Movies poke fun at those moments. Remember when Eugene Levy caught his son, played by Jason Biggs, enjoying some apple pie in the kitchen in American Pie. I could feel the tension when they were sitting next to each other trying to decide what to tell the mother. What about when Molly Ringwald’s Samantha got felt up by her grandparents in 16 Candles. What do say? Is there really an appropriate response? Not to mention the awkward interactions that had to follow after selling her underwear. There were a lot of boys in that bathroom looking and each of them probably made a point to say hello or watch her the next day.

My typical awkward interaction involves people trying to touch me. I keep a running mental tally of who does not wash her hands after going to the bathroom. I also keep note of men that I have seen do gross things. The awkward exchange takes place when said people try to shake hands or touch things that are of importance to me. There was the office friend who tried to place his hand on my stomach. It would not have been okay with me when I was pregnant, but to make matters worse I was not pregnant and had just been complaining about a remark someone made. There was the officer who insisted on hugging me as I came out of the elevator. I was trapped and had nowhere to go except directly into his embrace. There was the gag reflex I had to repress as my boss took a piece of cake with his hand despite having a persistent nagging cough then proceeded to tell everyone else to dig in.

I was thinking the other day about some of my uncomfortable moments. Like when I went out with Foxy and her friends after graduating college and the fiancé of one of the friends had not one, but a few too many drinks and started screaming at me.

“You don’t remember me do you?”

Of course I did. “You’re Lil’ Bit’s fiancé.”

“No from _______ High. I tried to talk to you, remember? You were such a (expletive).” He proceeds to describe the first week of school and how he tried to get my number and I was not nice and did not give it to him. I decided it was not a good time to explain that I was shy and scarred because I had never been to public school before and instead went with this:

“What? That was you? I had forgotten all about that… (half-hearted) sorry.”

What made this interaction all the more strange is that it was had at close distance in a car that included his fiancé at that high volume that only drunk people can achieve. She spent the rest of the night looking at me as though she was upset at me. He is the one who embarrassed her by bringing it up. If anything I would have thought she should feel better knowing that I had no interest in making a move on her man, but instead she acted like I had insulted her taste. Let’s just say it was a long ride home and I have never been so thankful for a working radio in my life.

The most awkward I remembered was when of College Jason’s sidegirls realized that she was not his one and only. (I refer to all ex-boyfriends as Jason. I will neither confirm nor deny if that is his real name.) College Jason was not one for monogamy and since I was under no delusion that college romance should inevitably lead to marriage I was fine with the way we allowed each other some space to explore some secondary options. Besides, high school Jason was a lying cheater, so being with someone who was just a cheater was kind of refreshing.

The story begins with me having to work overtime at my retail job. I was stuck folding intimate apparel with another girl who had come to school that semester as a freshman. College Jason and I had already been together a year and I had seen many a sidegirl come and go. Some were nice and some were not. Some would try to “steal” him from me and give me dirty looks. I just laughed it off because why would a girl want to “take” a guy who is clearly not a good and faithful boyfriend. What is the appeal in that? Are girls really that desperate? When you go to a college with a 6:1 ratio the answer is YES.

This girl was different. She was earnest and completely unaware of who I was and unlike most people on campus she had no clue about our relationship. Here she was telling me about this great guy she met and I just casually made mention of College Jason and she went completely white. She realized it was the same guy. She started to stammer and apologize. I just kept folding.

I told her not to worry about it because it wasn’t the first time this had happened. That surprisingly did not make her feel better. I did not even notice when she got up and left, but she must have called him and he confirmed that I was his girlfriend (for whatever that was worth) and she was now devastated. I spent the rest of our shift trying to comfort her. This was the girl who had slept with my boyfriend and now she is crying on my shoulder about how he misled her and how she should have never fallen for his charms. Was this really happening? Did she just try to hug me? Is this a parallel universe?

I ended up telling her that she deserved someone better. Someone who would appreciate her and all the things that you tell someone who is heartbroken over a boy she just met. Everything was fine until the next year when College Jason and I broke and she started dating him. At that point she started ducking and dodging me. She was acting like she was 007 in a Mission Impossible movie. It was even weirder that College Jason and I were still friends and I knew all about her breast implants and self-esteem issues. Then after 6 months College Jason and I got back together, but this time as real couple and she was out. The strangest thing happened- she wanted to be friends again. It would have been fine had she not acted so weird for the 6 months she was with him. How can you just show up at my door and say, “What’s up?”?

I can only describe that moment as being like when you walk into an occupied elevator and as you reach to push the button for your floor you take a deep breath as the doors close and realize the person in it has farted. Awkward!