Deal Breakers

I love Husband and there is very little that he can do to change the fact that I think he is a hottie. You may notice that I said “very little”. That is because there are just some things that even he can’t make work. For every woman the “Don’t” may be different, but unless you are like Jigga who will just use ugly clothes as an excuse for stripping an unsuspecting cutie.

Mine are simple and time tested. They never change and I doubt they ever will. A man can go from a total 10 on the hotness scale to a 0 fast enough to cause whiplash should he don one of the following items: a bow tie or skinny jeans. That is right. I HATE bowties. They are so obnoxious and nerdy and snooty and literally make me cringe. It is as if I can hear him emasculating as he walks by in it. (It sounds like air seeping out of a tire.) Unless he is doing a rendition of “D**k in a box” I don’t want my man rocking a bow of any kind. I would also like to extend my issues with the bowtie to include short ties. No self-respecting grown man has any reason to wear a traditional necktie that does not reach his natural waist.

The second, yet equally offensive wardrobe issue is skinny jeans. I remember the days of lying on the bed and trying to squeeze into my jeans. You suck, button, pull and zip. There is nothing sexy about this maneuver and when you add the danger of a “There’s Something About Mary” bathroom scene to the zip part (Is it the frank or the beans?) and it becomes even less hot. The only thing worse than a guy in jeans that choke his ankle is a guy in sagging skinny jeans. How can your jeans be both too small and to large? It looks like you took a crap while wearing your little sister’s pants.

I have asked some friends and here are some of their “Don’ts”

Lotus – Jean cut off shorts

JJ Santana – She says nothing, but I am sure that she would vomit in her mouth if a guy in hipster jeans and a white belt rolled up on her while riding his fixie–even if his last name was Skarsgard.

Seattle – I did not ask, but if her husband is any indication. I am sure sear sucker would be a no go.

Mallow - She doesn’t do dirty of any kind. EVER!

Jigga – is currently unaware, but I am sure she wasn’t turned on by that guy in the ad we laughed at wearing a jean jacket under a sweater under another jacket.

I can’t leave out the fellas. Ladies, if you think he doesn’t have a “Don’t” you are sadly mistaken. Husband and I were watching this movie and the guy went on a tirade about how women lure you in looking sexy and the next thing you know she is walking around “in a d*** pullover shirt”. He said that was his clue to exit. I have known guys you don’t like sweatpants. There are some that are against the resurgence of the denim vest and leggings. Leggings are my father’s pet peeve. He says they do not make up for you leaving the house without pants. (Shout out to you, Daddy.)

Everyone has a Don’t and even if you don’t know what it is right now you will know it when you see it.