High Maintenance

One of my favorite movie quotes of all time is from Beaches when Bette Midler says, “Enough about me; let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?” Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever...let me tell you what I think. You can weigh in later.

Mallow called me the other day to say that she took a look around and “realized” that she is the “fat” friend. This revelation led to her new blog. Check it out at http://losingatoddlertofindsexy.blogspot.com/. While that is a total distortion of the truth I decided to go with it because it meant that she was inadvertently calling me thin and that hasn’t happened in a long time. The truth is Mallow is not fat. She is, however, surrounded by little people. In her barefeet she is at minimum 5'9", which I can only dream of even in my best heels. She is also blessed with the breast I prayed for as a little girl, but did not get because God did not want me working under blue lights at Majic City. I will admit that she looks like she has a big head, but that is really more a reflection of her love of oversized Oprah hair than her actual cranium size. She is perfectly normal and in proportion for someone her height. Her problem is that she is constantly surrounded by pixies.

Her delusion was not just funny, but inspiring. As I listened I thought, "Maybe I should try that." I also decided to try this self-reflection business and discovered something I have never before realized. I am the high-maintenance friend.

I am also pretty good at covering up my high-maintenance behaviors. I call often which makes me seem caring, but I am usually calling to talk about my day.  Don’t get me wrong. I care about my friend s and usually ask about how they are doing, but I have been wondering if I would call as often if not for my insatiable need to talk about me.

Husband jokes that I am the first girl he dated with absolutely no interest in him. “Yeah, I know you scored 30 points in the 4^th quarter, got a 1600 on your SATs, and just got accepted to Princeton, but I saw this shirt in the mall and it looked so cute on MMMEEE!” He really good at reading my face and says that I often look like I want to tell him “Enough about you, let’s talk about mmmeee”. Yes, he really does drag out the word like that while dramatically touching his chest like he is saying the Pledge of Allegiance.

 I realized that he is right. I always find a way to relate the conversation back to me and have recently made an effort to stop. My conversations have gotten SO much shorter and my emails are down to one or two lines. It seems as though I hear what happens in other people’s lives through a “me” filter. You got a promotion that is great, but let’s talk about how that makes me feel – this is especially important if this promotion is going to interfere with the time we usually spend together talking about me and doing things that I enjoy. You are fighting with your boyfriend/husband; let me tell you about what Husband and I usually do. I even relate movies to myself. It doesn’t matter if it is X-Men or Titanic, I will find a way to interject myself.

I told a friend once that everything I do is the result of my being selfish. I have children because I hope that they will take care of me when I get old. Lord knows I can't count on a pension or Social Security. I at least need someone to come to the nursing home to check for bruises. I go to church and worship not just because I believe, but because if there is a Hell I definately don't want to go there. I go to work because they pay me and I work hard because I want a raise. I went to college to get out of my parents' house rent free for 4 years. I am not sure I have ever done a truly selfless act in my life. Even being married. I love him, but I am married because I want to have him around and live with him without my parents disapproval or the fear of going to Hell (I really would rather stay away from that place). If you really look at it you will notice that it always comes back to me getting something.

I am now wondering if that means that I am not as good a person/friend as I thought I was. I was deep in thought thinking about whether I was short changing my friends and if they have ever noticed when all of a sudden out of the blue I thought “Oh God, I am so shallow/self-centered. What would I do if I were my friend? What would I say to me? Would I hang out with me?...at the mall? I saw some cute shoes at the mall the other day. I would look good in those shoes…” Oops! Did I make this about me again?

What can I say, Rome wasn’t built in a day and self-awareness can only take you so far.

**Thanks to everyone that missed me during my 2 day hiatus. I am back on track. I hope you enjoy.