I will never marry again

I love Husband whole heartedly and mean to stay with him until we get old and die, but should he beat me on that race to heaven I can assure you that I will spend my last days as a single woman. Just to insure this promise to myself I make it a point to talk to my single friends every now and then to get the scoop and live vicariously through them for a moment. The dating world is like Vegas to me. It is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.

Mallow and Foxy are my single besties and occasionally she goes out on the most awful dates known to man. There was the guy who upon stopping by his place after a date that she told me was terrible left her in a room with friends that were so lecherous she literally ran out of the door down the street and called me from the gas station to come pick her up. Mallow loves sports so I thought I guy who suggested going to a hoops game would at least be okay. Nope, she said that not only would he not shut-up at all during the game, but that most of his talk was self-promoting name dropping. “Yeah, I was hanging out with insert random celeb name. He said that I should take me Maserati to his dealer…because I realized while driving up the coast with insert B list All-star I realized that it wasn’t performing up to par.” That was okay the first time he did it, not for 4 quarters.

Then there are the men they meet in various stages of being married. Here is a free tip: If you and your friends have to get together to weight the evidence about how married he is he is TOO married to be dating- CASE CLOSED! Tell him to call you when he has some paperwork. Then there are the stories of online dating. I am not saying it is not possible to find love via social media. I know a couple who met on Lava Life and a girl who met what seems to be her dream guy through the Craig’s List personals, but the horror stories far outweigh the fairy tales. I remember the weirdoes I used to attract on Black Planet back in the day. (OMG! Does anyone even still use blackplanet.com?)

The truth is that I have known Husband since I was 14 and to try to get with someone else and attempt to fill them on all the things that have made me this crazy would be far too labor intensive and beyond the scope of my patience and interest. Not to mention all the things I would have to get used to about someone else. I have just gotten used to the fact that Husband will never put his glass in the sink. He will put it next to the sink or on the island, but never in the sink. (“What if I want to use it again?” He never uses it again, by the way.) I have just gotten accustomed to the fact that if the toaster or telephone is not working it is probably because he has unplugged it not of fear of sparking a fire, but in an effort to keep our electric bill down or his habit of checking everything I want to buy on the internet as though he can always find a better deal even on time sensitive items.

But who else would put up with his wife blogging all his business, constantly stealing his socks, faking sleep when our son yells out for help in the bathroom at 3 AM, or encouraged him to give up a lucrative recording contract because that was not the lifestyle that she wanted. Most guys would have wilted under the pressure of my cult like family alone. (We all live within walking distance and have keys.) Nope. Husband is it for me and I like it that way. I totally support people who want to give love a 2^nd chance, but once is enough for me. Elizabeth Taylor I am not. Larry King’s record is safe from me.

That being said when is it okay to tell a friend that you think they should get a divorce? (Next time...Later!)