My friends never listen.

This especially true when they ask for my advice. I, however, remain an eternal optimist. I keep hoping that one day they will actually listen, agree, and follow through with just one of my suggestions. That or I am going to start just saying the opposite of what I think to get what I want.

I don’t think that my degree or counseling experience qualifies me to be a relationship expert, but experience has taught me more than I need to know about bad relationships. My stellar list of ex-boyfriends include high school dropouts, alcoholics, drug users, gang members, one pseudo-stalker (he once called me while standing in my neighbor’s yard to tell me he missed me), hypocrite church members, one attempted murder, mindless pretty boys, a pre-med student who couldn’t pass biology, liars, cheaters, and more than one pompous rich jerk. I will not say that I have done it all, but I know dysfunction when I see it.

So why then do my friends consistently ignore my warnings about their love lives? I would think a good general rule of thumb would be that if it sounds even remotely like something I did or would do BC (Before Christ) then they should run as fast as they can in the other direction, but they never do. Which is a shame because I love my friends and totally think they deserve better than to relive my foolishness firsthand? Although I turned out awesome, so I guess it can’t hurt.

Here is a list of some of the things I have said to my friends that they have totally ignored. (and some of their responses.)

You should really consider breaking up now before you end wasting your good years on this guy only to wake up old and bitter feeling like it is too late because you are married with children.

·         She is now married to this person and told me the other day, “I don’t like him.”

Upon finding out that my friend was now intimate with her boyfriend, but had never been to his house and that there love had only been expressed in his car I said, “Really, what is he hiding. That sounds like something is up. Is he married? Does he live with his mother? Is he embarrassed by you?”

·         Oh my God. What happened to “Whatever makes you happy?”

You are now dating your booty call. Please tell me that you see where this train went off the track. You are giving too much room for him to interpret what you mean.

·         I see that this is going to end badly, but I am going to do it anyway.

You can’t make him into something that he is not. Even if you get him through school you can’t go to work for him. Either a person has ambition or they don’t. You need to either accept him or stop messing around and find someone who wants what you want.

By the way I found my IPod. It is charging as I type this. Game on!