Where did sexy go

I guess I will have to call Justin Timberlake myself because my sexy is missing and I really need someone to bring it back.  I used to be hot, but after 6 years of marriage, 2 pregnancies, 3 surgeries and a desk job I am not. I have gone from Hottie to Nottie Val Kilmer style. He went from The Lizard King to Burger King in like 3 movies.  

I first recognized that my sexy might be in danger about 3 years ago. I remember going bathing suit shopping after LoLo was born. I had already lost most of the baby weight and could fit into my pre-baby clothes, but I will admit I had not really thought about showing my abs since the end of the first trimester. There I was in a bikini. I cracked the door to whisper for Mallow to come and help me, but really just wanted to ask a question. “What am I supposed to do with the extra skin? I am I supposed to just tuck it in?” Buying a tankini should have been my first red flag, but I did not recognize it at the time. I was in denial then, but not anymore.

I wake up every day and reenact the same struggle to get dressed. I have gotten rid of all the maternity clothes and am supposed to be getting myself back into my regular clothes. I currently only have one pair of jeans that fit and a handful of shirts that don’t spark inquiries about whether I am adding to the family. My hair is at that weird length that requires me to do something. It doesn’t matter if that means cutting it off, adding layers, braiding it or setting it on fire. Something just needs to be done.

This is not to say that I don’t look good when I leave the house. I have just never had to try so hard to look good in my life. If someone were to follow me home these days they would be sorely disappointed after peeping in my window and seeing what goes on behind the curtain. (I totally understand how that Wizard felt).

I had big plans for life after baby number two. It is not going as well as I hoped. I am just not into it this time. I have good intentions, but I am just not making it happen. My current excuse is that I can’t go to the gym because I have lost my IPod. The real reason is that I hate that I am hot, sweaty and out of breath and all the other women in the gym look like they are trying out for Shape magazine. I am the Chris Farley to their Patrick Swayze. That was never my concern when I was just going to the gym for fun as opposed to out of necessity.

I know that some would say that you can be sexy at any weight and I agree. You are as sexy as you feel. That is the problem. I don’t feel sexy at this weight or in my current shape (round). Men used to go out of their way to stop and talk to me. These days I can’t even get Husband’s attention. So, I have given myself an ultimatum. I need to drop the weight by my birthday or I will have to give in my sexy card for good. I don’t think that I am being unreasonable. That gives me 5 months to get it together.

At that point there will be no more belly hang. There will be no more tight sleeves and no more elastic waistbands. I am not asking for too much. I don't want a date or to hook any hottie other than the one that lives in my house, but I would like to know that I still pass for eye candy.

After two kids I don’t want to flaunt it, but I would like to think that I still got it.