Friends

I have already admitted to being a High-Maintenance friend. For some people those behaviors are overwhelming and much like the bowtie for a man is for me. For those that can put up with my psycho-calling and other quirks I am a really good friend. I will take your secrets to the grave and make a complete fool of myself on your behalf or really just to help you smile on a crappy day. For me friendship is a commitment. I don’t take it lightly and treat my friends like family. Since, I have a pretty big family friends are not a necessity, so for me to take on more family means that I really care.

I say all this because few things get my blood boiling like a crappy friend. My mother asked me about a former friend this morning and even though I am not one to hold a grudge the mention of this person’s name still leaves me cold. One of the things that I find irritating is that my mother knows this person and I ended on bad terms and yet she continues to bring her up or ask me questions about her current life about which I happily know nothing despite having mutual friends. She is like the Voldermont in my Harry Potter life. She is “the one who cannot be named”. I don’t know if my mother really understands how serious our breakup – yes, I said breakup because it was that dramatic- really was. It is like I said yesterday; mothers know how to push a girl’s buttons.

I am sure that if you ask Shady, she will have a different version of our friendship history, but this is my blog not a democratic commune, so I will tell the story the way I remember it. We became friends in high school. I am not really sure she ever really wanted to be my friend and sometimes I wonder if she ever really liked me at all, but I think more than anything she did not know how to be the “through thick and thin” kind of friend. The first major strike was when we were 16 and she lied and told my mother she did not know where I was while we were all out of town on an away trip and Chyna and I fell asleep in a friend’s room. I also had money stolen from me while on that trip and while I don’t think she did it, I get the feeling she knew about it. She always wanted to compete with me and we would fight about the smallest things. She loved to get me riled up or to point out my flaws. She told me that she was not having sex, but then later told me she was pregnant and when I responded by saying, “Ok” to her announcement, she accused me of being judgmental.

She almost ruined my bridal shower and eventually we decided that she should not be in my wedding because a friendship should not be about her having to “tolerate” me. That was our dramatic breakup scene that took place over the phone. Mind you my only request was that she wear her hair out of her face and buy a dress the same color as the other bridesmaids. This excerpt from our bridesmaid dress shopping experience was typical exchange.

Shady: What did everyone else pick?

Me: Well, only two people got their dresses, but they both picked this one.

Shady: I don’t like that one.

Me: Fine, pick something else. I just want it to be this color.

Shady: I don’t want to be different.

Me: Then get the same dress.

Shady: What is Chyna wearing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t picked it out yet, but my sister got this other dress.

Shady: Whamp whamp whamp. Blah blah blah. I don’t like…I don’t want…I…me…I…me.

Me: Just do whatever you want, then. I don’t care.

I could not win for losing with this girl. This is supposed to be my wedding and all about what I want and I can’t even enjoy picking out dresses. Earlier she complained that I was not letting her help me plan and that she felt excluded. She also complained that I did not make it clear that I was serious with Husband before he proposed despite going out for over a year and that she was upset that my announcement caught her by surprise.

The killer was when she waited so long to get the dress for Chyna’s wedding that Chyna had to change her original wedding color plans. That made me want to go ballistic. That is when I realized that a person who constantly ruins important events in my life could not be considered a friend.  I have been living a Shady free life since 2005 and while I thank her for teaching me that some friendships are not worth the stress I have no plans to tell her because that would violate my Mary J inspired “No More Drama” lifestyle policy.

Other friendship deal breakers: (These quotes have been condensed and abbreviated.)

Husband – “Lying. I mean take Lee for instance. From the time that dude got off the plane he lied about everything. I’m not even sure that’s his real name.”

JJ Santana – “Sleeping with my man. That is grounds for me to cut a chick.”

Lotus – “Being crazy.”

Jigga – “Crazy, yeah. I mean like the ones that stalker call and act like your boyfriend and all you can think is, but WE’RE NOT DATING!”

Q Diva – “Talking about me behind my back to others, someone who is really negative, not supportive of me or my interests, someone who shows signs of jealousy or a lack of respect for me and my family. Shall I go on? It’s a lot of things that makes me leave certain folks alone...LOL!”

Sugar – “Ill will towards me or emotional abuse. Sometimes toxic people must be purged. Sometimes relationships and people change but one thing must always be there to keep the friendship alive and that is love for one another.”

Mallow - (This is really what she said) "There is the obvious like sleeping with someone I’m in a relationship with… but for me:

-          Calling me selfish (and meaning it, not joking)– I give a lot when I can so I expect my friends to understand that if I say no, that it’s not because I don’t want to do it (in my heart) but that I can’t

-          Stealing from me – because I generally will give my friends whatever I have

-          Being crazy – I don’t like drama, I don’t do drama and I don’t keep up with dramatic people

-          Being selfish – I don’t know why but no matter how hard I might try, I don’t get along with selfish people.

I think that’s it – there may be some others that I remember later"

A friendship is like any other relationship and it will have rough patches, but just like with a romantic relationship you have got to have some boundaries. Don’t be afraid to set some for yourself. You will know who your REAL friends are shortly after because a snake can’t help, but to slither. Besides after you dump the dead weight you will have room for someone who doesn’t require a 30 min advance Advil prep just to hang out with them.