Southern Hospitality

I am back on the fitness train to lose the 50 pounds of baby weight and get back into my old clothes. Part of my sense of urgency is based on my desire to be healthy and like all women I want to look/feel good in my clothes, but in all practical truth it is recession and I can’t afford new clothes.

I clearly need to get back on my game because I have not only gone back up a pant size after all my hard work, but on my way into LoLo’s soccer game an old man who was walking out as I was walking in said something crazy to me about needing to work out. He had one of those terrible indiscernible southern accents that make other southerners embarrassed, but from what I gathered he said something along the lines of, “You pulled that door.  Mumble mumble. (Looks me up and down)Yeah, you need to come in here and lift some weights or something.” Two things prevented this from getting out of hand. First it took me at least a minute and a half to figure out what he said and the second being my mother’s insistence on being nice to old people.

Since moving here to the southern United States, I have heard a lot of talk about how people from up North are rude and more than I can stand about southern hospitality. Let me just say for the record and I hope you are listening closely, southern hospitality is a CROCK. That is right! You heard me! I have never in my life been around people who are so rude. Northerners are not rude. Although, I will admit that we tend to be disinterested. I can honestly say that I have never been insulted by a stranger when I lived at home. Even the drug addicted homeless people who talk to people that I can’t see have better manners than people here.

Talking to strangers does not make you polite or hospitable. It makes you nosy or an easy target. I will try to keep my list of grievances short.

1.       It is not ok to stare at people and not speak. That is something that I learned by the time I was in kindergarten. It leaves your feelings up to interpretation and where I come from nobody assumes that you have good intentions. Staring leads you to get punched in the face – especially if the person you have been staring at addresses you. Like when I catch people here looking at me and I say hello or nod and they continue to stare as though they can’t hear me. I know they can read my lips because they are all in my mouth.

2.       Listening to other people’s conversations. My boss is good for this one, but it also happens in the grocery store, elevator, bathrooms, and restaurants. I am clearly having a conversation with one person and another person who is not at all involved in the conversation and in the case of my boss not even in the area decides to come and put in their two cents without being asked.

3.       Giving unsolicited advice. I was buying coffee for one of my bosses while I was pregnant when a woman walked up to me and chastised me for drinking caffeine while pregnant. I have had people come and give me hair tips; tell me to drink more water; and my personal favorite (I hope you understand sarcasm) given my childrearing/marital advice. Like the woman at church who told me that I should get up every time the baby cries because he works and needs his rest despite the fact that I was working 2 jobs, going to school and we already had a son. I waited for her to laugh, but then she went into this tirade about “young girls” and how we don’t know how to take care of our families or some crap. When she asked me the next week if I took her advice, I cut my eyes at her and said, “NO!” with the best smile. The only thing preventing a HELL NO was that she was old and we were in the church nursery. I may have superwoman complex, but I have no plans on becoming a Stepford Wife.

4.       Condescension. I am not stupid and would appreciate it if people did not talk me as though I were. This means don’t try to “honey” “sweetie” me out of trouble. If you mark an item in your store as 50% off then that is what you owe me and I will not be persuaded into negotiating with someone who begins the conversation by insinuating that there is something wrong with my reading comprehension skills. That is why I have had to call the corporate office of more companies in the last 2 years than I have in the 25 years prior to moving here.

I am going to stop here because I don’t want to get started on the bad driving and refusal to correctly use the turning signal. It is that switch that turns on the flashing light so that other people know that you are planning to swerve across 4 lanes of traffic during rush hour. It does not mean for you to speed up so that I can’t get into the lane in front of you. The extra 10 seconds added to your commute is nothing compared to the damage that my crappy car will have on your new BMW when I, the rude Northerner, decides to come over anyway because I have already reached my breaking point.