Solace

As a mom, I have realized my need to cherish small moments of peace. My son is 3 and has not yest grasped the concept that I would like to go to the bathroom alone despite his recent requests for "privacy". My daughter is 7 months and cannot for the life of her understand why I would ever not want to be within her arms reach and since she has just discovered that she is in control of the noises that come out of her mouth quiet time with her now firmly cemented as a thing of the past.

In addition to my bustling home life, I am also currently working 3 jobs. My main job, a part-time therapist position, and I am still baking for $. With all this going on, I have stumbled on some pretty unlikely places to take a moment to catch my breath and decompress. If anyone else has any more I would love to hear them.

The first is my car. This comes with some stipulations. It must be after I have dropped my kids off on the way to work or somewhere or on my way home. I use my time in the car to do fun things that I cannot really do at home. For example, I talk on the phone with my friends. (Don't worry, I use my headset. I may not be safe from the radiation in my ear, but my hands are free.) I also sometimes just drive with the radio off, let my thoughts wander and process my day. I know I'm recharged when the silence becomes to much and I start to long to hear my kids voices and yearn for one of Husband's jokes.

My next new favorite place is the elevator. Even if people are talking and being irritating while waiting they seem to get quiet once the elevator doors close. Next time you get in an elevator think about it. People will either stop talking or get off their phones. People will stop talking to the coworker next to them. It is amazing. I am not sure what it is about that tight space that makes people hush, but I LOVE it! I stare as the numbers change and take as many breaths as I can without being conspicuous, although I will admit that I sometimes sigh when it opens on my floor, but I am amazed at how that short ride allows me to regroup.

I often feel like I am running from thing to thing and moment to moment and I am constantly on alert for ways to make the most of the time that I am given and I have found these two places work really well for me. I have even started to enjoy a slow walk back to my desk from the bathroom. When we first moved into our new space I was really annoyed that the restroom was no longer in office. Mainly, it was because I am lazy and did not want to walk and  plus I did not want to share with other offices. I had just gotten used to my office mates level of nasty and now I was expected to add more people to the list, but I digress. I now enjoy being far enough away from my desk that people don't stand around and wait for me to return and that I can't be paged in there. It is just one more way I escape the rat race.

A Rut

Some days I wonder, have I lost my edge as well as my abs. There are many days when I sit at work and wonder how I got so comfortable sitting behind a desk. I realize that part of the problem is that I am not really happy with where I am in life and most of the time I feel too tired to do anything about it.

I realize the reason the weight is not coming off like it did the last time is because I just don't feel like I should have to work that hard. I don' t want to go on a diet. I don't want to have to add going to the gym to my massive list of things to do. I am pretty sure that the way I feel qualifies me as being in a rut.

I do the same things at work everyday and while I never found my work to be particularly challenging (I will never understand why they required a college education for a job that mostly consists of making haircut appointments,, dinner reservations, and using the scanner function on the copy machine.), but I am procrastinating even more than usual. I found myself looking at my desk the other day thinking "someone should really take care of this" then I realized that the someone whose job it is is me. You know it is bad when you realize you would fire yourself. Yes, it is really that bad!

Things are better when I go home, but I there I am inundated with things that always take precedence over whatever it is that I have planned upon walking in the door. I may have mapped out exactly how I think the evening should go, but with two kids you know that is not how things go down at my house. I usually spend my evening trying to convince LoLo to eat and Suga to stop throwing her paci. I spend my night not catching up on my to do list, but treading water to keep my house just above disaster level and yelling things like, "Don't poot in your sister's closet" or "That is not a pocket" or my personal favorite, "Do you hear me talking to you?" Couple that fun with the baking business that I am constantly working on and all I can say is thank God I married a good one. (I may have married him because he is HOT, but I stay because he is sweet!)

I have a few friends who feel the same way. We are all going through something, be it divorce, buying a house, not liking your husband, figuring out dating, or planning a career change and to be honest there are some times when you are just OVER it! That is where I am right now. I figure the only way to get out of this rut is to acknowledge that I am in it and then plan my escape.

I am thinking a vacation might be the trick.

Slacking

I did not right yesterday, not because I did not have anything to say, but because I procrastinated so badly that by the time I remembered to write I was out of time. While I would love to regal you with the story that I had planned for yesterday, I must admit that I cannot for the life of me remember what I was going to say. Clearly, it was of the utmost importance to me.

I can't remember if it was about my weight or maybe it was about the ridiculous hour long meeting I sat through in which the committee came to the conclusion that my suggestion given in the first 15 minutes was going to be the plan. I really don't remeber. Maybe it was about God, but I am pretty sure I covered everything that I wanted to say about Him the other day. It could have been about my hair. I still have no idea what I am going to do with this crazy mass living on the top of my head. I have at least upgraded to combing it every day.

I might have been getting ready to go on a tirade about people not wanting to pay me or the job interview that the hospital wants me to come in for. There is no official job yet and they aren't accepting applications until the new year, but wonder if I can come in and work a couple days to see how I work with the team. Even as I type that I realize it doesn't make anymore sense to me now than it did when she first said it.

I went through all the mail that was sprawled across my house and realized that I owe a lot of money to a lot of people. Everyone seems to have a hand in my pocket. I brought the important looking ones with me to work so that I could get a better handle on my life. I know that is what I planned to do this year- get a grip on my life. Ha. That is so not happening and I have to be honest- I was much happier when I had NO clue. Fact: Ignorance really is bliss! It may be torture for the people around you, but as a former ignorant I understand the desire to stay in the dark- especially with regard to finances.

That was definitely not yesterday's topic. Maybe it was about how some parent sent their kid to school hacking and now my son is at my mother's house because he was coughing so hard yesterday that he threw up and had to miss the class Christmas party! Argh! I just don't understand that and why don't they teach their kid to cover his/her mouth. How hard is that? I mean, really.

Whatever! I don't know what I was going to write about, but take what you will from the thoughts I am pretty sure I had yesterday.

Mommy Moments

Most of my mommy moments consist of me saying things like, "Don't poot in your sister's closet", but last night I got to have one of those special moments like the ones you see on television and get all misty eyed. My sweet sweet LoLo Monster was a mouse in the his schools production of The Nutcracker. Not only was my sweet boy the cutest mouse by far, he was also the only mouse his age. When it is something he wants to do my son can be quite the charmer and somehow he convinced the teachers to let him be with the big boys during rehearsal. So while all the other parents were trying to figure out who the short kid was I was reveling in the fact that my baby was up there looking just as composed and hitting all the same marks as the big kids.

After he performed and came and sat with us the older kids put on their play, but that was not the end of my children performing. Oh, no. Every time the big kid chorus started to sing, Suga Booga sang. She took out her paci and sang. She pushed it to the side of her mouth and sang. She would not be denied her time in the spotlight. She was not sitting with me, but with her TiTi and since these people don't really know me I leaned over and said, "Man, lady! You need to take care of your kid." It felt good and I snickered as she rolled her eyes at me.

I also had a good time sitting with Husband who always knows how to make me laugh. When the protagonist of the older kid play goes to get her luxurious hair cut off he bends towards me and says, "That ain't nothing but Ultra Perm." I could hardly contain myself. I firmly believe that there is a quote from Coming to America to fit every situation. I still want to try and have a conversation with someone where I only respond with quotes from the movie. (That reminds me I still haven't watched The Big Lebowski, but I digress.)

After the weekend I had it felt good to feel good and I just wanted to share that with you all. See, it does get better.

It Gets Better

I am not a teenager. I am not gay. I am not currently being bullied. I may not be any of those things, but really needed an "It Gets Better" PSA or campaign this weekend.

First one of my bosses waited until the last minute to decide to go on a fabulous vacation. I called the travel person so many times that I know her schedule by heart. First he refused a morning flight. Then he said and I quote, "I would rather die than get on another boat" when it was suggested that he take the ferry. The resort he wanted was booked and we had to find another with a villa that he would be happy with. After all my changes it becomes clear that their are no acceptable flight times and I will have to arrange a charter flight. I thought everything was done and ""BAM" I find out that the charter can't fly him because he would get to that airport at night and they stop flying at sundown. I call to tell my boss and he replies with something like, "Yeah, I don't think they have runway lights." Why in the world would you agree to an evening flight somewhere that does not have runway lights. Forget taking off on the connector flight, how were they planning to land the original plane?

I worked on this trip for 3 days and just when I got everything back on track I get another call from the charter company asking for a reservation number. Neither I nor the agent I was working with ever had a reservation number from them. When asked for it my agent replies, "What do they mean reservation number?" This carried on into Saturday and for those of you who are not clear, I don't work Saturdays. I spent Saturday recovering from Friday night. No, there was no party. I spent the whole night baking a sampler platter for a woman who was considering ordering from my dessert business, but first she wanted a "free" sampler. She did not say free, but I knew she wasn't looking to pay. She is someone my mother knows and therefore I decided to extend this courtesy.

My mother-in-law had been with us for month and was going home on Saturday. I wanted this to be nice day and for us to visit and say goodbye to Husband, who was working. I thought we were all set to go when I realized I could not find my car keys. I spent the next 30 minutes retracing my steps through my non-palatial estate trying to figure out how I lost them in such a limited space and periodically interrogating my 3 year old. By the time I found them in the closet, we missed Husband's lunch, but was still determined to go because I did not work this hard for nothing. We spent time with him while he was working, which would have been awkward, but I had already reached "don't care" levels. When it was time to go I asked the best way to the airport. Husband told me to use my GPS. I did. It took me to the cargo flight area that is nothing like the passenger flight area. I rode in circles to get back to the highway (we followed a plane and a rental car drop-off bus) and went 2 exits to the actual airport. On the way back my mother called to fuss with me about her friend's order.

She, the friend, had trouble with the order form and did not actually place her order until late Saturday. I planned my baking schedule and was all set to be done. I put my pies in the oven to brown and all I was going to do next was decorate my cookies. I stopped to answer the phone, took a couple of sniffs and realized something was wrong. My pies were burning!!! I have never burned a pie crust in my ENTIRE life. I know there is a first time for everything, but 7pm was not the time for this. I had to make everything all over again.

Making matters worse was that while I was sneaking a peak at one of my favorite shows, only to find out they were killing off one of the best characters. I would normally plug a show I like, but since they killed Graham they can suck it this week. I finally get close to finish and my sister brings the kids back. Thank God she took them in the first place. I go to ask my normally sweet husband to help me put them to bed and he gives me crazy face and talks inaudibly. I give him my "sweet as pie" voice and he snaps out of it and comes to the rescue.

I finally think that it is all over. I pack the desserts up, and get my kid to school, make it to the delivery and then...I lose my phone in my car. I drive a Jetta. I should not be able to lose anything in that small space (much like in my house, right?). I look for what amounts to 30 minutes. I am sure if I had a nicer car people would have thought I was trying to steal it. I went around the car. I looked under the car, in the window, under seats. I knew if was in there because my Blue tooth was still connected. Finally, I found it tucked on the side of the passenger seat by the metal rails. I just knew that my day was bound to get better from here.

WRONG! Get to my desk to find the that hotel for the trip has yet to agree to pick up my boss from the airport. That would be a nightmare- him cursing on a dark airstrip (no lights, remember?). I get someone on the phone who says they don't have my email. I wait to be connected only to have them say, "Oh we got it. Sorry, it was the weekend!" I KNOW IT WAS THE WEEKEND! I was hoping to have one and enjoy it, but no such luck.

Somebody please tell me that it gets better!

Tebow and Whitlock

I love the sports writer Jason Whitlock. I read his editorials on MSN Sports all the time. One of the best things I can say about him as a writer is that even when I don’t care at all about the topic I find his perspective to be interesting. His theories sometimes hint of paranoia, but he is fair and honest and a good read. Even when I disagree, I can’t help but to like the guy and boy did I disagree with him last week. He made me so mad that I had taken yesterday off from my blog just to make sure I did not say something crazy that I would later regret.

Jason Whitlock pulled a Bill Maher on me. I used to be pretty fond of Bill Maher despite is clear anti-Christian attitude. I don’t fault people for not believing. The Bible says that someone has got to go to Hell and as long as there are atheists that somebody doesn’t have to be me. I can also appreciate a good argument and unlike some of my peers can see the non-believer’s point that most of what we believe sounds crazy when taken without faith. 

If someone told me a teenage virgin gave birth to baby that was really God and that baby grew up and performed miracles, but somehow was broke and homeless. This all knowing God as man also let himself be “betrayed”, arrested and killed for crimes he did not commit then rose from the grave 3 days later and appeared to his friends who saw him ascend into heaven only to later have them report being filled with His Holy Spirit, who is also a separate yet equal part of His God Trinity. I can see how this story seems far-fetched and under normal circumstances I would agree that it is pretty preposterous, but for some reason I believe this story whole-heartedly. It is this story that gives me hope and strength and makes it possible to believe in better days to come. I don’t mock those who don’t believe and since they are often the once complaining of intolerance I expect them to treat my beliefs with the same respect they desire.

That is where Bill Maher crossed me. I was watching his show in 2008 before the presidential elections and he went off on how he can’t understand how seemingly intelligent people could believe in “the God story”. He also seemed to revel in his belief that despite his statements to the contrary that President Obama was not really a believer. That every time he is asked he mentions his mother being a secular humanist and that Pres. Obama mentions it with a wink and a smile like he is getting one by us.  He went on for a few more minutes that seemed like hours about his movie on religion and how every culture has a story and that he always knew that religion was ridiculous and continued to insult those that believe.  I finally could not take it anymore and turned it off never to tune into him again. It is one thing to disagree with me, but it is another to continually insult me and my intelligence. That is something that I just can’t stand for. I don’t insult those who hope death is the end because that way they won’t have to answer for what they did in life and expect that same simple courtesy.

This memory came flooding back to me as a read Mr. Whitlock’s article on Tim Tebow, a subject that keeps being shoved down my throat despite my lack of interest in football (Thanks NBA strike!) His argument is that Tim Tebow is not so much a product of his faith as a product of a stable two parent home. I understand his points on maturity and manhood, but as a person of faith I have to point out that the belief that you can pull off a fourth quarter miracle when even says it’s over is the result of faith. The belief in infinite possibilities when people say you don’t have what it takes to make it in the league is the result of faith. I think Tim must have great parents. They raised him well and taught him the importance of hard work and discipline, but even the best parents can’t instill faith. That is God given in the measure we can handle. I have never watched a game, but from what I hear Tim has enough faith to go out there and play a position that many thought him unqualified to play and keep going at it when the game should be over. (That is not to say that the others on his team don’t deserve praise because I hear the defense has been killer this year and have made the come from behind wins possible.)Faith keeps you from panicking in the clutch. Faith keeps you focused.

I am not about to stop reading the Whitlock column and would even encourage others to read it because even though I don’t think he is right to dismiss the impact of Tim’s faith, in the end he really did not insult me for believing (a la Bill Maher) and if he can respect my choice to believe I can respect his point of view.

Blessings

I took yesterday off because I have to admit that I was feeling a little burnt out. Not because of blogging, but because every now and then my mind just feels really cluttered and I needed some time and some sleep so that I could sort things out. During my time off I was reminded of something that I heard Joel Osteen say this Sunday. (Husband thought he had strep throat and so we went to TeleChurch this Sunday. Hallelujah! Amen.) He mentioned taking things for granted that you once cherished and I realized that I was doing the same thing with my faith.

I had someone ask me about faith once and as I was trying to explain that you have to try and the more you see it working the bigger it gets the person asked, “So you get everything that you ask for?” I looked and took a deep breath and realized that I was going to have to be honest. I said, “Pretty much, yeah.” He responded with an, “Oh” and walked away. The truth is that I don’t think of God some kind of ATM or omniscient Santa. I am not in it for what I can get out of Christianity. Trust me when I tell you that it would not be worth it to fake it just for the stuff. I would have also argued that I appreciate everything he has ever done for me, but once I got to thinking I had to admit that it was just like Joel Osteen said – after a while you start to take miracles for granted.

I remember when I first gave my life to God. You would have thought that I had discovered the cure for cancer. I could barely contain myself because I was so happy. I had been brought back from the brink of spiritual death and real life sluttiness and been given a second chance. If felt good, but I have to admit that now there are some days I don’t even think about what a great gift I’ve been given. I take His love for granted as a given that should be there. It has happened with other things, too. We spent over a year looking for a house and we found our “perfect” house in just enough time to buy and get settled before LoLo was born. When I was so sick that I shook and could barely walk I found comfort in His word and the songs that I know from church. He has saved the lives and livelihoods of family and friends and with each blessing I promise to never take Him or His love for granted again, but I always do.

You stop seeing the house as a gift and start focusing on all the things you don’t like and the wall colors and wallpaper that you want to change. You stop thinking about the healing and focus on how out of shape you have gotten because you couldn’t work out. There always seems to come a time when that miracle is no longer enough for us to be impressed. We are just never satisfied with what we have. We get used to the good life and start to treat the Cheerios like White Label cereal and then the caviar like Cheerios.

I had been thinking about all of this and about some things that I have been wanting and hoping for. I have been wanting to make a little more money from my dessert business and I have been trying to figure out how I can get my licensure stuff together. All of this was in my head before I went to bed and by this morning I got a call asking me about a dessert buffet and an email discussing a position that could help me get my paperwork done. Every time I talk to Him and trust Him He pulls through for me. This time I am going to try my best not to forget and not let the new car scent wear off this time.

Office Party

I was hoping to get off early today so that I can go shopping for something to wear to my office Holiday Party. That did not happen, but maybe I can talk Husband into hitting up the mall with me tonight.

Today is my very best friends birthday and I hate that we are so far apart from each other. I would much rather spend the weekend with her than with the people I see every week Monday-Friday. I mean, really, office parties are so fake. They are just never fun for me. They are always full of awkward conversations with people that I barely talk to and being "introduced" to spouses that I have met like 3 times before.

Even being with my friends is weird because after we meet up and give each other the once over we end up just standing around in huddle. We occasionally break up and tackle trying to be seen and talking to people, but we always end up back in the huddle. We never really get to be ourselves, you know, dancing, singing, hanging loose because we are surrounded by people that we are going to have to try to be professional with come Monday.

I have seen what happens to people who forget they are at a work event and drop their game face. It is like Monday morning quarterbacking. Everyone has something to say and whether people admit it or not it effects your career. Think about it. Do you really want that table dancing drunk girl or that guy who puked in the bushes running your HR department? Everyone in this room knows that they are being watched and is pretending to be having a good time swimming in this fishbowl.

So why are we calling this a party? Parties are supposed to be fun. Remember?

You Stink

If you smell something funny in one spot and move to another and that area stinks to you should consider smelling yourself. No, really, if the smell is everywhere that you go the likelihood is that YOU are what stinks.

I bring this up because I cannot understand why so many people are in denial about how they smell. I am not talking about homeless people or addicts who may have either developed a tolerance or may be too high to notice the smell. I am also not currently referring to those who think so highly of themselves that they wholeheartedly believe that even their poop doesn't stink. No, I am referring to actual BO- smelly pits, weird funky must, and bad breath. I would also like to include people who are so determined to cancel out the possibility of a bad smell that they overdo the cologne/perfume and leave a trail of sneezing and fume induced headaches in their wake.

I really just don't understand how people don't know that they smell. I am almost hyper-aware when it comes to these things. I know when I have eaten onions or garlic or whatever and am aware that until I get to the bathroom to "brush my breath", as a guy I knew in high school used to say, I should stand at a respectful distance. Bad breath may be the worse because you never see it coming. It usually does not hit you until it is too late to make a graceful exit. The thing is, I would begin to question myself if everyone spoke to me tilted away at a 45 degree angle. Halitosis is real and it is serious and if you have it you should take the proper precautions. Maybe cut down on the H words or stand at arms length, invest in Trident - I mean they have some with layers now- whatever it takes. Just stop pretending that you don't know.

The same can be said for BO. I will admit that I can run for like 2 miles without really looking like I have broken a sweat, but that is not true. I sweat and I am particularly susceptible to underarm sweat. People at the gym don't know this because my workout gear is sleeveless- for just that reason. I cannot, however, come to work that way. I make it a point to routinely check for dampness and adjust accordingly. (That is right. I bend my head a little next to my shoulder and take a good smell. I also will lift my arm a little and check to see if any moisture needs to be dabbed away in an emergency trip to the bathroom.) Why is it that others cannot do the same? Why do other people think it is OK to hug when I can clearly see there sweaty pits? It is like being stuck in a slow motion horror movie and with every step you can hear that music from the shower scene in Psycho. AEHHH! AEHHH! AEHHH! All I want to do is run, but we are at work and I am supposed to be a professional, so I do what I think anyone in my position would do...I stick my right hand out to shake and hope that will not only stop them, but maybe even provide a safe breathing distance between us.

The same is true for people who smoke. I know that you were outside and that you think that the fresh air magically blows away the cigarette smoke and the lingering odor, but that is not true. You stink and when you get in the elevator to go back to work you make the elevator stink, too. If you want to air out you have got to leave the smoker section and then stand in some sort of breezeway. Old coffee breath- You Stink! I am just telling you this for your own good. People are talking about you in the office. Trust me- I'm one of them.

Knowledge is power and now that you know please stop pretending like it is not you and go get the travel size baby powder and mini bottle is Listerine. Thank you.