Pants On The Ground

Last year Larry Platt made a splash with his original song performed for his American Idol audition. Now lets be honest, everyone, including Mr. Platt, knew that he was not going to get a “golden ticket”. So, why would they air his audition? Well, he was certainly entertaining, but I think we can learn much more from it.

I have seen everyone from Lil’ Wayne to Justin Bieber, to the guy taking his girlfriend to Applebee’s walking around like my son when he doesn’t make it to the potty and is carrying a load. At first it was mildly amusing. It reminded me of when people would walk through amusement parks with wet pants and of when I was in junior high and it was cool to let your boxers show. I remembered back then and thought of how silly those boys I thought were cute must have looked. Especially, since I went to private school. Nothing screams “Thug Life” like a Lutheran school uniform.

That was my reaction before I really started looking. I saw boys holding the front of their pants as they walked down the street. It took me a while before I noticed that it was not just boxers peeking out, a whole backside. WHAT!?! Why is that ok? Then I saw women and men doing it. ARE YOU SERIOUS!?! I think the final straw when I saw a man the other day who was clearly old enough to know better (Can you say middle age?) waddling down the street sagging. FOR REAL, DUDE!?!

This is ridiculous. A hint of underwear is one thing, but your whole rear end hanging out is disgusting. I would like a better barrier between myself and your farts and skid marks than your underwear.

Not only that, but with the unemployment rate at close to 20% (17.5 when I checked) you are only strengthening the case against you. I know you want to be like Wayne and I don’t blame you in some regard. He is rich (I assume) and gets to make his own rules, but unless you are certified platinum pick your pants up. Wayne, Bieber, and Usher are not trying to get a job with a 401k plan or health benefits for their kids. You are.

You might say that you would not dress that way for an interview, but nobody is going to tell you they are hiring in the first place when you are looking like that. Don’t you get it? People are watching and networking all the time. You are your own advertisement and unless you are “selling something strange to make a little change” showing your but is not good marketing.

The other day I stared at a guy walking into a restaurant with his girlfriend. I had just eaten and the sight of his butt literally almost made me vomit. After seeing the look on my face he fixed them until he got inside. I can’t believe he thinks it is ok to walk in his drawers past people’s tables, plates, and open mouths.

My husband says the trend will continue until girls stop giving their numbers and going out with these fools. That’s right, I said it. If you are a wearer of sagging pants you are a fool. I don’t care if you have a degree is chemical engineering and work for NASA. A man/woman walking around with his/her booty out and not getting paid for it is a fool. The only thing worse is the pathetic soul walking with them. Do you really have such little concern for yourself that you would be brought to a fool’s level merely by association? Think about how embarrassed he/she came to your job in that outfit. Birds of a feather flock together and I bet you don’t get job leads when you two are hanging out together.

NO! You get dirty looks, muffled sighs, some finger pointing, and laughing from people who realize that you are the clown whether you know it or not.

You know why I think they showed Mr. Platt’s song? It is because the people with the “golden tickets” have been laughing at you the whole time anyway. I’m not sure it is so funny.

6 Books That Influence Me Everyday

I wanted to do 5, but I couldn't seperate those at number 3.

1. The Bible – Like the song says, “I am so glad that our Father in Heav’n Tells of His love in the Book He has giv’n; Wonderful things in the Bible I see, This is the dearest, that Jesus loves me.” There is nothing better than knowing that someone loves you- except having it in print.

2. The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison – This is book is so many things. It is the first “grown-up” book I ever read. I used to see it on the shelf in my parent’s bedroom and I always wanted to read it. Something about it just called to me. I would constantly touch it and finally around the 6^th grade I read it. It cracked my world wide open. I had never been so consumed by a book. The lessons about self-hate, desire, the need for acceptance, and love are too much to explain. It is a total must read.

3 & 4. Black Like Me by John Howard Griffin/ Uncle Tom’s Cabin by Harriet Beecher Stowe – I am the only one of my peers to have read these books and that is a shame because together these books highlight race relations in a most interesting way. I read Black Like Me first. I just could not believe the premise. What would he learn? What made him think this experiment was a good idea? Even when I talk to people about it now they look at me like I made it up. The way that Harriet views Uncle Tom and his motives is an interesting contrast to Howard’s evolving view as he learns from behind the scenes. Her explanations for the behaviors she sees in black culture made me laugh riotously as much as it made me furious that she could be so audacious as to insult us by painting such a simplistic and unrealistic of our lives and mental fortitude. Even as I type it makes my blood run hot, but then I realize that is one of the things I like about this work. I like knowing that she has no idea of the reasons we wore the “happy slave” mask and that books should evoke emotions. I was drawn to reading Uncle Tom’s Cabin for the same reason many of my peers are turned off. I just had to understand what was so bad about being an Uncle Tom. Now I know, but I like to still give him credit for not snitching on the slaves that ran when he decided to stay.

5. A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens – I, like many, read this book in high school. I have always loved to read, but most of the books on my high school reading list just did not excite me. I had great teachers who somehow made books like The Pearl, The Good Earth, The Crucible, and The Scarlet Letter interesting enough. I will admit that I never finished The Invisible Man despite trying 4 times. Hamlet was a wash. I wrote my essay based on the movie and general knowledge, but A Tale of Two Cities was different. I was so vivid and so carefully written and full of tension and drama. I loved every moment. I even used a children’s version as a study guide despite being teased by a classmate. It helped me flesh out the story so that I could understand and appreciate the picture were painting. The ending makes my heart pound just think about it. In my opinion this plot twist comes second only to that of the movie The Sixth Sense.

6. The Communist Manifesto by Karl Marx – I am by no means a supporter of Communism, but the sheer audacity of someone to declare a manifesto of his ideals virtually declaring a revolution without any actual group of supporters lets me know that I as an individual have the power to change history should I so choose.

The Curse of the Responsible Child

The Curse of the Responsible Child

I will never know what it is like to be an only child, but I know what it is like to be the one your parents deem the most “responsible”. At first glance being the responsible child sounds great. Your parents often withhold things when you are younger if you are not responsible, but that all changes once you reach adulthood. Responsibility becomes a liability. It becomes the reason everyone gives for putting you in charge of fixing their crap and listening to their problems.

How do you know if you are the responsible child? Let me give you some clues:

1)      Is it automatically assumed, and rightly so, that you will take care of your parents should they need help in their golden years?

2)      Are you the one called not only when you are wrong, but also when your sibling(s) behave badly?

3)      Are you the primary beneficiary or executor of the will because your parents are sure you would do the “right thing”?

4)      Do your parent’s new retirement friends think you are an only child?

5)      Does your niece/nephew list you as a guardian on school forms?

6)      Does your parent’s doctor ask you to back him on his health referrals?

7)      Is your house, without question, the holiday destination?

8)      Do you parents excuse your bad behavior because by comparison you are still the most reasonable option?

9)      Do your siblings accuse you of getting better treatment? And if so, do you feel this treatment is rightly deserved and justified?

10)  Are other responsible children pointing and laughing at you with a knowing look on their faces?

If you have answered yes to more than one of these questions you are more than likely the responsible one. Welcome to the club. My husband and I are both flag waving, t-shirt wearing members. We accept and wear our titles because we shutter at the alternative. “Responsibles” as will call them are not made. You are either born with it or you aren’t. Parents, I have learned, know this and start trying to figure out “the good one” early on. That is why they try to teach us all about being responsible. They want to see which one of you suckers is going to fall for it and live a life of always being on call, on time, and thinking clearly. Responsibles sit in emergency rooms, fill out police reports, pick-up kids that are not ours, dog sit when friends go out of town, remember appointments, marry the “right” guy/girl, stay sober when needed, and shun criminal activity. For some it happens slowly, for others the evolution to responsible adult is like the snowball falling down the mountain.

My friends and I have often wondered if our membership can be revoked. We have concluded that the only way to get out is to beat our siblings at their own game. If you don’t want to be the responsible child you must find a way to top their foolishness. The problem is most Responsibles aren’t willing to make total fools of themselves in the name of freedom.

If you are a responsible thinking of quitting, I would like to remind you what you are up against. All of the following stories are true. They did not all happen to me, but they happened. How do you top someone who:

1.      Left her children with her mother so that she can follow the boyfriend she only knew for 2 weeks to a South American/Caribbean country? Sister had no job, no plan and no way to make this sound like a good idea.

2.      Calls at about 12:30 in the morning to tell me he had just gotten married to a person we had never met.

3.      Tells his mother that he was going to serve hot dogs and spaghetti as a holiday meal.

4.      Decides to buy a house in another country because too many strays live at her home that she may not actually own.

5.      Gets arrested as an adult. (More than once)

6.      Sent a child to visit with ring worm and did not tell the host family

7.      Bought a motorcycle instead of paying bills.

8.      Joining a bike club without a bike.

9.      Got a neck tattoo.

10.  Quits jobs every few months despite there being a recession and having 2 kids.

11.  Got her hair done, but did not pay utilities.

12.  Returns home after not calling for almost a year with a kid and no explanation.

13.  Shows up with no license and list of errands to run.

I think you get the picture. My delayed gratification earned me the presents and praise I get for not causing loads of grief and embarrasment. Being responsible and holding it together may be hardwork, but someone’s got to do it. And I am just the sucker for the job!

My Consumer Revelation/Revolution

Hi, my name is amanda janaan and I am on my way to becoming a professional complainer. Let me give you an example. I was once in a local supermarket. For those who do not know me personally, let me stop and explain:

I HATE being in the supermarket. I am easily overwhelmed by the design of the store and chaos inherent in grocery shopping. Those problems coupled with the scarcity of employees in general and ones who know what they are talking about, specifically makes food shopping a chore. By the time I get to check out I am usually at the peak of my frustration.

I am also a huge fan of coupons and the coupons that I had for toothpaste made my purchase of 2 tubes FREE and who doesn’t want to get something for free. When I looked at my receipt I saw that I had been charged full price. So, I went to customer service. I saw that I had gotten the wrong size. I went to make the exchange and she tried to charge me. I told her that I had used a coupon and it should be free. She told me some crap about not being able to use my coupon twice. I spoke to who I thought was a manager who repeated this spiel without understanding my point that this was not a new purchase but a correction. Now I am mad because she is referring to my coupon as money they gave me. It was not a store coupon and even so do they think I’m stupid. So I took the next logical step.

I called the 800 number and complained to customer service. They apologized, but reiterated the same story that made me upset in the first place as the guy tried to make me feel grateful that he was putting the money back on my card. The money was nice, but the more he tried to make is seem as though he was doing me a favor by giving me my money back for the correction the more upset I got.

The next day I was still fuming so I wrote an email to corporate. I stated my complaint and after a night of fuming proclaimed I would NEVER shop there again because of how I had been treated. I told them how much I spent a month, a year and how much money they would loose from my family over the next 20 years. I also mentioned that I would no longer buy supplies for my start-up baking business either. By the time I was through they had lost about $100,000 of my business. I complained about the attitude of the woman at the customer service because she was rude and the “manager” because she was dismissive without listening. I then let them know I would be taking my business to their top competitor who was conveniently located across the street and was known for being very customer friendly. As I hit “Submit” I felt great. It was as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and the incident melted into the back of my mind. I was, however, determined to keep my promise never to cross their threshold again.

I was totally surprised when my husband told me the store manager called. I later spoke with the assistant manager, who apologized profusely and let me know that the “manager” I spoke with was not a manager at all. She assured me that they wanted my business and offered me some incentives to returning as a customer. I was so taken aback that I accepted.

I have since gone from passive acceptor of random policies to corporate office complainer. I have complained to a children’s store to get them to honor a product exchange coupon. I am currently complaining to my cell phone company for not giving longstanding customers any real benefits. I figure if Ralph Nader can take one complaint and change airline travel forever, I can at least complain and get my bill corrected or my service fixed. I am done paying to be treated like I don’t matter. If I can’t get what I want I will at least ensure that I am treated with respect and that my opinion is known.

Did I mention the coupon that started this was for a whopping $.50?

My Wii called me FAT!!!

That is normally grounds for eviction from my home and may explain why I do not torment myself by owning a scale. Besides, I have numerous doctor appointments thanks to my crazy colon and am well aware of how much I weigh.

The Wii and I did not start out on the best terms. I made mention to my husband that my best friend had one and told him I wanted to lose weight. So instead of buying me the gift I had been subtly hinting at he bought me a Wii Fit for Christmas. Now, I know how this would end in most houses, but because I know my husband does not have a malicious bone in his whole body when it comes to me I did not give him any of the usual “What are you trying to say with this gift” or “Are you saying I need to loose weight?” talk that would normally accompany a gift like this. Yes, he is a lucky man! I know he just heard me say I might want one and he took that as the hint instead of the hints I was really dropping. Subtly is a lost art at my house.

Calling me “obese” however was not the Wii’s only offense. When asked why I am so much larger than my last weigh in, the machine would not let me give the satisfactory answer. I have just had a baby!!!!!!!!!! Instead it asked me about late night snacking and some other random options that totally do not apply to me. That as my husband would say “is a total pisser offer”. Not to mention the fact that the sensor was not reading my motions and told me I was “barely breaking a sweat” despite the perspiration dripping down my back. Even my Mii had a sad face.

You know what else gets me crazy. People who randomly ask me about my weight. I will list some examples.

Police officer I work with: “You look like your gaining weight.”

Client: “When is your baby due?” (I was not pregnant then)

Coworker: “What is wrong with your face?” (This one almost got me fired!)

Mother: “Why does your stomach look so big today?”

Woman I know from church: “ARE YOU BREASTFEEDING? I KNOW A GOOD NIPPLE CREAM!” (Yes. She yelled it across the parking lot.)

Coworker: “I can tell you are not ready to have the baby because your breasts haven’t gotten big yet?”

Coworker: “Are you getting an epidural or are you going to take it like a big girl?”

The list could go on and on. I often wonder what it is about me that makes people feel so comfortable saying crazy things to me. My friends get a kick out of my stories, but the question remains. What would possess someone to say something like that to me?

My friends say I sometimes have my “counselor face” on when I am off the clock and that the face makes people feel a little too comfortable. Fine. I will accept that. My next question is why people look so surprised when I give them an attitude. Did you really think that I wanted to discuss my breasts and my uterus with you? I DON’T KNOW YOU! I am all for breastfeeding and childbearing, but what I do with my body is not for public discussion.

I do not want your tips on nipple massage or sexual positions that induce labor and for the love of God don’t ask me if am pregnant unless I am standing in a puddle clutching my basketball shaped stomach asking for directions to the hospital and even then I want you to look surprised and tell me I carried it well.

All I want is a little common courtesy. On second thought, I may take the batteries out the Wii to make it an example. We all know the line. “I am mad as heck and I am not going to take it anymore!”

Goodbye To My Soaps

Erica Kane. I knew that name before I knew who the president was. Soap operas have been a part of my life since I was 2 months old. My babysitter watched soaps. My grandmother watched the soaps. Even my mother watched when she could. Soaps were the reason naps were at 1. You could either sleep or sit quietly. No child, husband or sales person in their right mind would ever interrupt a woman watching her soaps. All that has changed now. Most of those long running programs that I thought would live forever are gone. I am most upset about my soaps- All My Children and One Life to Live. They were the soaps watched by the women who raised me. They are the ones I watch today. My question is how did this happen. Why have women turned their backs on the “stories”?

Soap operas were the only place I remember seeing strong women leading fabulous single lives growing up and Erica Kane was the most fabulous of all. She always had a man, but never seemed to need him. All the other women were wives, mothers, or friends of the main character, but in the land of soaps men were the accessories. They were catalysts for the action, but the women were the stars. They struggled with completely outrageous situations, but they were determined to “have it all” and on their own terms no matter what. That hasn’t changed, but somewhere along the lines women have. We have been made to believe that soaps are a silly waste of time. That watching them is something to be ashamed to admit. That is a total contradiction to the time I grew up in where a woman not only openly watched, but would have heated debates with other women about storylines and which soap was better. Much like the sorority you chose, your soap was a part of your identity. Why is soap watching ridiculed, but Sports Center accepted? Is it because men are okay admitting they need a break from reality? Are soaps only silly because women watch them? They are more realistic than comic book movies and science fiction shows, but get laughed out of conversation without defense from its target audience. I think it is because we “modern women” were so worried about being taken seriously by our male counterparts that we turned our backs on a genre created for us and by us. Agnes Nixon created my soaps and supporting her vision has been entertaining and empowering. As a woman of color I can say that I love the inclusiveness of soaps. I see more people of color in one episode of Children and One Life than I did it 7 seasons of Friends.

I don’t just blame the audience. I also think the networks failed to understand the importance of marketing to younger viewers. The time honored practice of inheriting the story from your mother is not going to work in today’s world. Soap operas are no longer the only place to get steamy love stories or crazy antics. The networks did not seem to understand how to make them appealing in this new era. That is a shame because if they had put forth more effort to get soaps the same coverage as other shows I think they could have maintained and audience. I say that because you only need to watch one episode to get hooked. However, who is going to watch without good advertising?

Now with the death of my soaps I am left to question so many things. Losing them is like losing a piece of my childhood. I will never get to share those moments with my daughter that I shared watching with my mother and grandmother. Soaps were for big girls. Watching with them was an integral part of them acknowledging that I was growing up and maturing. I do not want to cheapen that experience by being forced to watch reality tv wife shows with women who solely exist to live off the riches of the men they once “loved”. I want Erica, Vicki, Dorian, and Opal. I want women whose passions run hot enough to burn down cities and to be blunt I generally prefer to have my jerks be scripted. That way I can enjoy the story and believe they are nothing like that in real life.

I love soaps. I love the drama, the suspense, the great lighting, the romance, the inside jokes. It is a whole other world to escape to when you need a break. I love Glee for some of the same reasons, but unlike soaps, Glee is fickle. It is on one week and off the next on hiatus. Soaps have never taken the week off. Soaps are like tv version of potato bread. It may not be the best for you, but it is a delicious treat. I was glad to hear that the soaps might live on as internet shows, but I am sad because I am sure that will mean a loss of great talent. Soap operas were always hotbeds for scouting new talent. I hope that a network like Lifetime will partner with the new owners and air my soaps. I am not sure that I am truly ready to say goodbye. I don’t think I should have to.

I sent this letter to Ladies Home Journal and I don't think they even bothered to read it because it wasn't in their preferred format. They didn't tell me what that format was. Sorry, LHJ, but my library doesn't carry your backstock and I'm too poor to do anything other than read it online. Too bad you wouldn't give me a chance.  

Hello - Day 1

Hey!!!

I must be honest. This is not my first blog. I had one that I started last year, but I got ambitious and deleted some things off of my computer and have not been able to get into that account since. I have tried everything to get back on, but no matter how many times I reset the password or go through old links I can't. To be perfectly honest I don't even remember what it was titled.

Oh, well! That may have been a blessing because while I still plan to be my same witty self, I think I will use this one for greater self-exploration. I want to let you all in on what I think. So, enter at your own risk.

I want to explore my feelings about my faith, my family, my work, and my friends. This will be the story of a woman who went straight from her parents to marriage- not including college. A woman now married with two children. This is the journey of a woman who at 30 finally decided it is time to grow up.

I hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoy posting as the randomness of my mind unfolds before you.