Wish I Knew Then

You know the saying, "If only I knew then what I know now"? I totally get that saying today. If only I had realized how good I once had it, I could taken the time to enjoy it so much more. I never thought it at the time, but when I look back now it is clear to me that I gave myself a hard time about silly things all because I did not realize that I was HOT!

I know it sounds silly, self-indulgent, or conceited, but it is true. I had it all going on and in the right places. Why didn't I notice this before? Now I am working my butt off trying to look like what I never appreciated before.

I am going to the gym 3 times a week in the hope that I might one day see a glimmer of the flat abs that once existed naturally. Seriously, I used to be able to walk by a gym and develop a six-pack. Now it just looks like I chugged a six pack. I got so used to fast results that I find myself looking at myself for signs of improvement even when all I have done is walk a flight of stairs or gone a couple blocks. My most recent accomplishment is that it now looks good when I am sucking my stomach in. I could not even say that a couple weeks ago. I am not saying that I did not have some challenges, (2 kids and 6 rounds of steroids for starters) but those don't make me feel better when I am trying wiggle into what used to be my "fat day" jeans. I never had to count calories or question portion sizes. It didn't matter because it never stuck. I now go on every food website to calculate the calories in my meal and thanks to mycaloriecounter.com I can masochistically track everything that crosses my lips. I don't know why I bother to chew it anyway when at this point I should just start stapling it to my lower abdomen since that is where it all seems to wind up.

Then there is the little issue of my skin. It has always been an interesting medium brown shade reminiscent of the "Burnt Sienna" Crayola crayon from the ORIGINAL 64 color box. Everyone my age knows what color I am talking about. You never forgot that or Periwinkle. Weird, but true. The thing about my skin is that I have never really had any pimples and other than a few psoriasis breakouts my senior year of HS I have great skin, but it was never dark enough for me. I always wanted the ebony brown complexion of my mother and sister and my medium brown was for me the equivalent of being a medium toned brunette when you really feel like you should have been born a redhead. Now my skin had committed what for me is the ultimate betrayal. It appears to be getting lighter. WHAT!?! It is bad enough I have freckles. If I get lighter, I can only anticipate more conversations about "what are you" and that is not going to be good for my get into heaven/stay out of jail plan. So here I am, calling for a dermatologist to help me get back to the smooth medium brown that I once took for granted. I mean, everyone loves Burnt Sienna, right? It was a really cool color.

I realize that I may seem like I am just be having one of those days where I wanted to rant and rag on myself, but really I am doing the opposite. I am acknowledging that what I had, my original packaging, was good enough- in fact it was pretty awesome- all along. I was HOT! It is true what they say about hindsight.
I wish I had known then what I see so clearly now.