When did the thick Brooke Shields/early '80s Madonna eyebrows come back in style? Why do people keep trying to bring stirrup pants and shoulder pads back? How is it that people keep forgetting that orange lipstick is a bad idea?
Every couple years designers take it upon themselves to "reinvent" or "reinterpret" a look from the past. Sometimes it turns out cute. Adding a little bit of sexy to MaryJane's and the classic pump with a platform was ingenious. I also must admit that despite the fact that I still won't wear them, skinny jeans are much cuter than I remember. The lack of acid wash and high waist helps A LOT!
I get that fashion goes in cycles. I even understand why. We had that one outfit that we loved that our mother, sister, or really cool cousin wore. It was so cool and we were too young to either get permission or pull it off and now that we are finally of age we are determined to wear it. I know that is why I wanted to wear baby doll dresses and spray painted jeans. I coveted my sisters Bugs Bunny jeans so badly. That is why my niece could not wait to rock a Flashdance style off the shoulder shirt that made me recoil with PTSD and leggings under skirts and shorts that brought back memories of roller skating and bicycle shorts.
The thing about trends is that you have to know when your time has passed. You can only look good in a trend once. Choose your time wisely. That is why I don't wear leggins. I had my time and I remember it fondly, but my niece and I are not in the same age bracket and should not be rocking the same styles. I will never wear a skinny jean, but I do have cute pair of gray slim cut that remind me of some that my really cool cousin wore in her heyday. There is just one little problem.
I see so many women my age and older trying to rock it like they did in high school or like they never got a chance to. Cut it out. You need to find a way to make it your own. You need to wear it like a mature adult because there are few things sadder than a woman who looks past her prime.
I want to look like I get better with age and should too!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
No Explanations
I have been married for a while and sometimes I forget what it is like to be in the dating game. Thankfully, I have friends to remind me of all that I am missing. Usually, it leads to me being exceptionally nice to husband for a few days, but it did cause me to think of something that I want to share.
It may sound silly at first and for some may come across as common sense, but considering the number of times this has come up in recent conversation I just had to say it loudly and in public. Please pay attention.
Your relationships SHOULD make SENSE! (Say it to yourself slowly. Twice, if you have to.)
It never ceases to amaze me the number of things that my friends try to explain in terms of relationships, be they romantic or friendly. Stop trying to explain away someone's bad behavior or their incompatibility with your lifestyle. It always reminds me of the Jennifer Aniston movie, The Object of My Affection, where she is in love with her best friend because he is perfect except for the fact that he is GAY. There is no amount of explaining that will make that relationship work. Something that is pointed out to her later in the film when Alan Alda's character (I think it was him. It has been a while since I watched.) tells her, "Have you noticed that you're the only practicing heterosexual at your Thanksgiving dinner?" and even though her comeback is pretty funny ("I haven't practiced in a while.") It drove home the point that no amount of rationalizing was going to make that relationship work- in a romantic way.
The same is true for many of the things that my friends say. I am especially suspicious unsolicited explanations. If I say, "Hey, how was dinner last night? Did you go to the new place you were talking about?" and they follow it up with, "Well, you know how he gets, but it wasn't his fault and I don't know. It could be because he has worked all week, but..." That is too much explaining for the simple question that I asked. This leads me to believe that you want to frame things in a way that will keep me from disliking him. That means there is something to dislike and you are trying to cover for him/her. That is never a good sign.
The same is true in friendships. If I say, "Oh, have you talked to whats-her-name? That sounds like something she might want to go to." and you give me some drawn out story about how you haven't called her since the time you think you may have been interpreted as distant because she seemed to feel ignored, but you aren't sure, then I am going to file her under "SUSPICIOUS". That is not how relationships should work.
No, I don't think they are always easy, but they should make sense. You should not feel compelled to explain the ups and downs because normal ones are to be expected. It is the abnormal and unhealthy ones that need to be explained. Did you ever think that the reason you are so determined to make me understand your continuing with this person is because you yourself don't understand why you continue with this person. That you are explaining it to me as a means of making it ok and explaining it to yourself. That is not a good sign. People may sometimes wonder and it is ok to clarify a point or two, but relationships SHOULD make sense. People close to you should be able to at least in a general sense that your relationship works in a very basic sense. Those kinds of things should not have to be explained. I will repeat this, having to continually explain away things is generally a BAD sign.
I mean, think about it. How long before you realize, "It's ok because..." is not actually ok? The only person that you are fooling is yourself and then when it doesn't work out you wonder why we didn't tell you sooner. It is because you told us it was "OK", remember?
Here's to no more "explanation necessary" relationships! Hip Hip Hooray!
It may sound silly at first and for some may come across as common sense, but considering the number of times this has come up in recent conversation I just had to say it loudly and in public. Please pay attention.
Your relationships SHOULD make SENSE! (Say it to yourself slowly. Twice, if you have to.)
It never ceases to amaze me the number of things that my friends try to explain in terms of relationships, be they romantic or friendly. Stop trying to explain away someone's bad behavior or their incompatibility with your lifestyle. It always reminds me of the Jennifer Aniston movie, The Object of My Affection, where she is in love with her best friend because he is perfect except for the fact that he is GAY. There is no amount of explaining that will make that relationship work. Something that is pointed out to her later in the film when Alan Alda's character (I think it was him. It has been a while since I watched.) tells her, "Have you noticed that you're the only practicing heterosexual at your Thanksgiving dinner?" and even though her comeback is pretty funny ("I haven't practiced in a while.") It drove home the point that no amount of rationalizing was going to make that relationship work- in a romantic way.
The same is true for many of the things that my friends say. I am especially suspicious unsolicited explanations. If I say, "Hey, how was dinner last night? Did you go to the new place you were talking about?" and they follow it up with, "Well, you know how he gets, but it wasn't his fault and I don't know. It could be because he has worked all week, but..." That is too much explaining for the simple question that I asked. This leads me to believe that you want to frame things in a way that will keep me from disliking him. That means there is something to dislike and you are trying to cover for him/her. That is never a good sign.
The same is true in friendships. If I say, "Oh, have you talked to whats-her-name? That sounds like something she might want to go to." and you give me some drawn out story about how you haven't called her since the time you think you may have been interpreted as distant because she seemed to feel ignored, but you aren't sure, then I am going to file her under "SUSPICIOUS". That is not how relationships should work.
No, I don't think they are always easy, but they should make sense. You should not feel compelled to explain the ups and downs because normal ones are to be expected. It is the abnormal and unhealthy ones that need to be explained. Did you ever think that the reason you are so determined to make me understand your continuing with this person is because you yourself don't understand why you continue with this person. That you are explaining it to me as a means of making it ok and explaining it to yourself. That is not a good sign. People may sometimes wonder and it is ok to clarify a point or two, but relationships SHOULD make sense. People close to you should be able to at least in a general sense that your relationship works in a very basic sense. Those kinds of things should not have to be explained. I will repeat this, having to continually explain away things is generally a BAD sign.
I mean, think about it. How long before you realize, "It's ok because..." is not actually ok? The only person that you are fooling is yourself and then when it doesn't work out you wonder why we didn't tell you sooner. It is because you told us it was "OK", remember?
Here's to no more "explanation necessary" relationships! Hip Hip Hooray!
Monday, March 26, 2012
Not Today
I am going to take the day off today. I want to assure you that I am fine and that I do have a topic, but I also have 2 allergy stricken children at home who made it impossible for me to sleep for more than 2, maybe 3 hours last night.
Sleep deprivation is like drinking. You say more than you should about things that make people uncomfortable, even if they are true. I don't want to write something that I may later regret, so I am going to quit while I am ahead.
Sweet dreams!
Sleep deprivation is like drinking. You say more than you should about things that make people uncomfortable, even if they are true. I don't want to write something that I may later regret, so I am going to quit while I am ahead.
Sweet dreams!
Friday, March 23, 2012
Fishnets and Cartoon Ties
There are some jobs where you want people to take you seriously. Surgeons, lawyers, and even politicians dress a certain way because they want to ellicit your trust. Despite all the talk about inner beauty, the truth is what you wear matters to people. It effects how people respond to you. If that were not true we would not laugh at movies scenes like the one when Bridget Jones shows up dressed like a "tart" after the "Tarts & Vicars" party is changed to what looks like a traditional English tea. We laugh because we know that no one is going to take her seriously dressed like that. The same way no one took her seriously in her former publishing office.
I have had several encounters like that recently. Like the assistant down the hall trying to pull her best sexy librarian impersonation, wearing some crazy fishnet/intricate flower dot pattern hose with high-heeled oxfords or like the guy who works for the bank in the tie with the miniature giraffes on it. I just cannot take you seriously if that is the way that you are going to dress. No, you cannot sell anything while you are walking around with a paisley stripe down the front of your button down shirt. No, you cannot make suggestions to me about anything work related while you are wearing a shirt that allows me to see your bra because we clearly are not in the same line of business. (My job requires me to keep my underwear under wraps. Silly dress code!)
I cannot take a man seriously while he is wearing pants so tight on both his ankles and his manhood that I am left to wonder how in the world he got in and feel deep concern for whomever has to help him get out. I cannot take a woman seriously with that ridiculous silk neck bow that is the what one movie called the equivalent of wearing a "limp penis" around her neck. (In all fairness, I generally just hate bows. I hate them even more so on grown women. It takes a comical turn when worn by grown men.)
To bring the point home, I would like to recount my experience at the bank yesterday. I walked in and stood on line about 3 people behind a female police officer. I was bored and the line was going slowly so I started to look around at the other people in line. There was nothing particularly interesting until I got the police officer. She had on a really nice watch. I was feminine and shiny and kind of fancy to be wearing with her uniform, but not distracting. She clearly had on makeup and had put her ample weave up in a clip. None of this really detracted from her authority because being a police officer should not mean an end to you being a woman. Her uniform was a little tight, but whatever. I, too, have put my work pants in the dryer a couple times.
Then she looked up and I really saw her face I saw that she had on the most ridiculously long and heavily mascaraed fake lashes I had seen in a long time. They were a cross between one of those cartoon cows and a stripper at breakfast. That did it! She had lost me. You cannot enforce the law on me when you look like you just got through working "The Champagne Room". I was considering seeing if the uniform came with a boom box, if you know what I mean. There are just some jobs that you cannot wear your night before face to work in the morning and she clearly has one of those jobs. I mean I saw woman from another office earlier wearing varying shades of blue eyeshadow (which I quickly realised and made a mental note is really only a "going out" color) and even though I felt a desire to explain that a day to evening look did not mean that it lasted all day until you went out in the evening I did not feel like it lessened her authority. It just let you know that she was up for a good time. On second thought, maybe it did lessen her credibility as well. Oh, well.
The point is- dress appropriately for what you a doing. It is for the good of everyone!
I have had several encounters like that recently. Like the assistant down the hall trying to pull her best sexy librarian impersonation, wearing some crazy fishnet/intricate flower dot pattern hose with high-heeled oxfords or like the guy who works for the bank in the tie with the miniature giraffes on it. I just cannot take you seriously if that is the way that you are going to dress. No, you cannot sell anything while you are walking around with a paisley stripe down the front of your button down shirt. No, you cannot make suggestions to me about anything work related while you are wearing a shirt that allows me to see your bra because we clearly are not in the same line of business. (My job requires me to keep my underwear under wraps. Silly dress code!)
I cannot take a man seriously while he is wearing pants so tight on both his ankles and his manhood that I am left to wonder how in the world he got in and feel deep concern for whomever has to help him get out. I cannot take a woman seriously with that ridiculous silk neck bow that is the what one movie called the equivalent of wearing a "limp penis" around her neck. (In all fairness, I generally just hate bows. I hate them even more so on grown women. It takes a comical turn when worn by grown men.)
To bring the point home, I would like to recount my experience at the bank yesterday. I walked in and stood on line about 3 people behind a female police officer. I was bored and the line was going slowly so I started to look around at the other people in line. There was nothing particularly interesting until I got the police officer. She had on a really nice watch. I was feminine and shiny and kind of fancy to be wearing with her uniform, but not distracting. She clearly had on makeup and had put her ample weave up in a clip. None of this really detracted from her authority because being a police officer should not mean an end to you being a woman. Her uniform was a little tight, but whatever. I, too, have put my work pants in the dryer a couple times.
Then she looked up and I really saw her face I saw that she had on the most ridiculously long and heavily mascaraed fake lashes I had seen in a long time. They were a cross between one of those cartoon cows and a stripper at breakfast. That did it! She had lost me. You cannot enforce the law on me when you look like you just got through working "The Champagne Room". I was considering seeing if the uniform came with a boom box, if you know what I mean. There are just some jobs that you cannot wear your night before face to work in the morning and she clearly has one of those jobs. I mean I saw woman from another office earlier wearing varying shades of blue eyeshadow (which I quickly realised and made a mental note is really only a "going out" color) and even though I felt a desire to explain that a day to evening look did not mean that it lasted all day until you went out in the evening I did not feel like it lessened her authority. It just let you know that she was up for a good time. On second thought, maybe it did lessen her credibility as well. Oh, well.
The point is- dress appropriately for what you a doing. It is for the good of everyone!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Accidentally Racist? Part II
Everyone knows (or should know) that the word nigger is offensive. That is a good starting point, but today I want to talk about two words that would seem harmless, but when put together make my blood boil. They are two words that people use everyday without offense, but there is just no "okay" way to say them together. The two words are...
"You people".
Go ahead and try it. There is no good way to say it.
You people are so interesting/creative - Condescendingly offensive.(What am I? Your damn show monkey?)
You people are funny/crazy or I don't understand you people - Insulting offensive. (We are individuals with varied senses of reason. That I would have to say that only reinforces the offense.)
You people like hip-hop and R&B -Straight up offensive (This was actually said to me by I-Pad boss when I knew Bono's birth name for his daily trivia question. It was preceded by, "That is a surprising answer for a black girl.) I am starting to think my I-Pad is just payment for my silence, seeing as how I have yet to report him to HR. Thankfully, for him, I tend to be more fascinated by his level of willful ignorance than disgusted, but we are getting there.
The thing that I don't understand is how can people really use that term and not know that they are being offensive, jerky and racist. What is more racist than talking about a group of people set apart my physical characteristics in a way to highlight your view of yourself as superior.
I don't really even know what else to say. I would normally make a joke, but some things just AREN'T funny.
"You people".
Go ahead and try it. There is no good way to say it.
You people are so interesting/creative - Condescendingly offensive.(What am I? Your damn show monkey?)
You people are funny/crazy or I don't understand you people - Insulting offensive. (We are individuals with varied senses of reason. That I would have to say that only reinforces the offense.)
You people like hip-hop and R&B -Straight up offensive (This was actually said to me by I-Pad boss when I knew Bono's birth name for his daily trivia question. It was preceded by, "That is a surprising answer for a black girl.) I am starting to think my I-Pad is just payment for my silence, seeing as how I have yet to report him to HR. Thankfully, for him, I tend to be more fascinated by his level of willful ignorance than disgusted, but we are getting there.
The thing that I don't understand is how can people really use that term and not know that they are being offensive, jerky and racist. What is more racist than talking about a group of people set apart my physical characteristics in a way to highlight your view of yourself as superior.
I don't really even know what else to say. I would normally make a joke, but some things just AREN'T funny.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Embrace It
I think I may have have my first 30's epiphany. I don't know if you all remember, but I had a little bit of a tantrum about how 30 was totally overrated. I was totally let down that I did not suddenly feel comfortable in my own skin and feel like a deeper and more grounded person. I felt exactly the same. Actually, worse because I kept thinking that I was missing some special 30's enlightenment.
Well, ladies and gentleman, it has finally happened and I am SO excited. Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I felt completely like myself. I was comfortable with my hair, face, body, clothes, and attitude. I was genuinely in a good place. Even my spirit felt settled. I felt truly like myself and when I thought about it, it made so much sense.
My hair was in curls and parted a little crooked, but mostly down the middle. It was clean and despite using too much conditioner, looking pretty good. I actually got a compliment from some random guy in the elevator. (Much better than the comments I usually get asking if I'm pregnant.) I had on one of the few bras that fit me and the girls were looking kind of perky. (A major accomplishment for a woman who breastfed two babies.) I had on a cute white tee, black pants, a nice ruched purple cardigan, and my blue python print style ballet flats. I capped it off with the Bible charm necklace that I got from my Daddy. (It is my favorite gift ever and even more special since my Husband and babies replaced the chain after I broke it. Now it is a gift from all my favorite people.)
The outfit was totally me and I felt great in it. It did not matter what anyone else thought and that was when the revelation hit me. This was not an outfit that my mother or most of my friends would wear or approve of and it is certainly not an outfit that would go over well in the neighborhood I grew up in, but it suits me to a tee. I just need to embrace it.
If you have ever seen the movie Belly with DMX and Nas, you have seen the neighborhood I grew up in. I am proud of where I grew up and carry it with me everywhere, but in many ways I never quite fit the mold. I grew up listening to country and rock with my R&B and gospel. My mother bought me Jones of New York when everyone else was rocking FUBU. I love my Reebok classics and wore them even after everyone switched to Jordans, but that did not mean that I did not want to fit in. I fought my natural instincts and wore many of the same styles as all the other girls around me. It made me blend, but never really made me feel good.
I wish I had known then what I know now. I would have worn my Polo Skippie's and never worn a baggy Tommy Hilfiger shirt. While it looked good on those other girls, it is just not my style. I need to embrace my classic cut eyelet wearing nautical loving mis-matched , but the colors work together preppy lost in the hood with a dash of reformed hot-girl self. (Trust me, it works in an outfit and makes me a really fun friend too.) I need to embrace my style the same way I have worked to embrace my curls. I mean, I went a whole summer without shaving my legs, accepting that I like to "rock a lot of polka dots" should be easy, right?
I'll let you know.
Well, ladies and gentleman, it has finally happened and I am SO excited. Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I felt completely like myself. I was comfortable with my hair, face, body, clothes, and attitude. I was genuinely in a good place. Even my spirit felt settled. I felt truly like myself and when I thought about it, it made so much sense.
My hair was in curls and parted a little crooked, but mostly down the middle. It was clean and despite using too much conditioner, looking pretty good. I actually got a compliment from some random guy in the elevator. (Much better than the comments I usually get asking if I'm pregnant.) I had on one of the few bras that fit me and the girls were looking kind of perky. (A major accomplishment for a woman who breastfed two babies.) I had on a cute white tee, black pants, a nice ruched purple cardigan, and my blue python print style ballet flats. I capped it off with the Bible charm necklace that I got from my Daddy. (It is my favorite gift ever and even more special since my Husband and babies replaced the chain after I broke it. Now it is a gift from all my favorite people.)
The outfit was totally me and I felt great in it. It did not matter what anyone else thought and that was when the revelation hit me. This was not an outfit that my mother or most of my friends would wear or approve of and it is certainly not an outfit that would go over well in the neighborhood I grew up in, but it suits me to a tee. I just need to embrace it.
If you have ever seen the movie Belly with DMX and Nas, you have seen the neighborhood I grew up in. I am proud of where I grew up and carry it with me everywhere, but in many ways I never quite fit the mold. I grew up listening to country and rock with my R&B and gospel. My mother bought me Jones of New York when everyone else was rocking FUBU. I love my Reebok classics and wore them even after everyone switched to Jordans, but that did not mean that I did not want to fit in. I fought my natural instincts and wore many of the same styles as all the other girls around me. It made me blend, but never really made me feel good.
I wish I had known then what I know now. I would have worn my Polo Skippie's and never worn a baggy Tommy Hilfiger shirt. While it looked good on those other girls, it is just not my style. I need to embrace my classic cut eyelet wearing nautical loving mis-matched , but the colors work together preppy lost in the hood with a dash of reformed hot-girl self. (Trust me, it works in an outfit and makes me a really fun friend too.) I need to embrace my style the same way I have worked to embrace my curls. I mean, I went a whole summer without shaving my legs, accepting that I like to "rock a lot of polka dots" should be easy, right?
I'll let you know.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Lesson Learned
I had a pretty good weekend. LoLo and Suga had 2 parties to attend because they take after their father in terms of popularity. They are cute and people love them. It could be worse. I know at least one person with kids who never gets invited to the parties. I don't want my babies to the one of "those" kids. We went and they had fun, but that is not the most excited news from my weekend.
The hospital let go of (FIRED) the full-time therapist. In order to get the full effect, let me give you the backstory to this saga. I interned at this hospital and when I was done and graduated, I was contacted to come and work as PRN Therapist. After working a few weeks, I was asked to apply for the full-time therapist position. At no point did I seek them out. They came to me at every turn. I will admit that I was flattered and interested in the prospect of working in the field full-time, so I went through the process. I was offered the position and that is when the drama started.
They offered the position for a salary that is significantly less than what a friend of mine makes with a high school diploma. I have a Masters degree and while I don't think that I am better than anyone I know I did not get a Masters to the same or less than someone at McDonalds. I told them that I was willing to negotiate, but the only thing they were able to come up with was the same salary with supervision (nice, but not really what I was looking for.) So, I declined and just to get my point across to you, the hiring manager said she was embarassed that that was what the company was paying people.
Clearly, they found someone to take their offer. The problem was he, according to what I learned over the weekend, was unpleasant to be around. He was confrontational to patients and not in the therapeutically beneficial kind of way and difficult to work with. There was also mention of his notes not being up to par. I don't think mine are perfect, but they are not a cause for concern. They are personal and detailed. I won't say how his were described.
I found all of this out as I came in on a weekend. Let me just say that it is not okay to get rid of a full-time therapist without warning in the middle of the day without explanation. It makes clients kind of uneasy. I got them focussed and had a good session. After which, a patient asked, "How come we don't see you during the week?" I gave him a very PC and appropriate answer, but what I really wanted to say was...
You get what you pay for!
The hospital let go of (FIRED) the full-time therapist. In order to get the full effect, let me give you the backstory to this saga. I interned at this hospital and when I was done and graduated, I was contacted to come and work as PRN Therapist. After working a few weeks, I was asked to apply for the full-time therapist position. At no point did I seek them out. They came to me at every turn. I will admit that I was flattered and interested in the prospect of working in the field full-time, so I went through the process. I was offered the position and that is when the drama started.
They offered the position for a salary that is significantly less than what a friend of mine makes with a high school diploma. I have a Masters degree and while I don't think that I am better than anyone I know I did not get a Masters to the same or less than someone at McDonalds. I told them that I was willing to negotiate, but the only thing they were able to come up with was the same salary with supervision (nice, but not really what I was looking for.) So, I declined and just to get my point across to you, the hiring manager said she was embarassed that that was what the company was paying people.
Clearly, they found someone to take their offer. The problem was he, according to what I learned over the weekend, was unpleasant to be around. He was confrontational to patients and not in the therapeutically beneficial kind of way and difficult to work with. There was also mention of his notes not being up to par. I don't think mine are perfect, but they are not a cause for concern. They are personal and detailed. I won't say how his were described.
I found all of this out as I came in on a weekend. Let me just say that it is not okay to get rid of a full-time therapist without warning in the middle of the day without explanation. It makes clients kind of uneasy. I got them focussed and had a good session. After which, a patient asked, "How come we don't see you during the week?" I gave him a very PC and appropriate answer, but what I really wanted to say was...
You get what you pay for!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Perks
I often talk about the horrors of my job, but I will admit that there are perks to what I do and in the spirit of keeping it positive I thought I would highlight some of those.
The saying is true. Everybody loves free stuff. (As long as it is for them)
- Flexible hours- Most of the people that I support work 3 days a week and Boss Lady works early shifts. This means that 2 days out of the week I get to hang loose. I have been know to use this to my advantage. Especially on a Friday. For every night that I have stayed to work until 7 there are at least 3 or 4 that I have gotten to leave at 3. I don't punch in or have someone breathing over me asking about my time usually (We all know that Boss Lady loves to get in the business when she can.)
- Anonymity- I am the only support person in my area. This means that there is nobody who can tell me how to do my job. They can sometimes struggle with Microsoft Word and need my help with the multi-function copier. I don't have to be involved in any of the crazy admin vs. admin drama yet I sit in a location that makes it easy to watch the fireworks when it all goes down. Bravo thinks those Housewives are funny they should stick a camera in here when the admins have a meeting. "Meow", ladies.
- Freebies- Everyone in our office gets free stuff at some point. We often give employees free museum tickets and other cool things, but I get more than my share of free things. That is what sparked today's post because my "You People" boss just gave me an I-Pad. Yes, an I-Pad. I know it is only because he just upgraded, but the fact of the matter is he did not have to give it to me. He could have let it sit and rot in his house, but he GAVE it to me. Woo hoo!
The saying is true. Everybody loves free stuff. (As long as it is for them)
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Still Looking
This blog is titled Finding Janaan and began with the expressed hopes that I would not only make people laugh by giving them a look at my own personal brand of crazy, but that I might gain further insight into myself. I thought about that today and wondered what I have really learned about myself since beginning this blog.
1. I really do have a terrible memory. I have great ideas about what to write, but I can't seem to remember them once I get to the computer. If I do remember the topic, I forget what nugget sparked it or the funny anecdote that corresponds. Then there are the days when I forget about it all together. I will be driving home and the minute I get on the highway I remember and think, "Augh. I forgot to blog." I am not sure how to fix it, but recognizing the problem has to count for something.
2. I am even more self-absorbed than I thought. It is always about me. Even when I write about other people, it comes back to me. I have decided to explain it away by saying that I talk about me because it is the subject I know best and because it prevents me from violating anybody's trust by sharing personal stories about my friends.
3. I may be paranoid. When I first started my blog, I let all of my friends and family members know what I was doing. I thought it would be fun for them to read about how I stumble through life and pretend to want to get my life together. I say pretend because we all know that the veggie burger and fries that I ate for lunch today were not on the pre-approved "get your life together" food list. The problem with that is I am now convinced that I will be ratted out to my bosses or an object of ridicule at any time. I have no idea why one of my friends would do this to me, but with every entry I wonder if today will be the day I get called into the office and confronted with print outs.
4. I do care what peopel think because I know that at any time my SIL, MIL, Husband, or talked about friend will see what I have written and given the entire world access to. I can't say all the things that I am really thinking because if I were to really let the curtains come down I am convinced I would get myself into serious trouble- not for cursing or raunchiness, but because it is my natural inclination to make fun of people and situations and that habit makes it hard to keep friends.
5. I really like attention when I get to be anonymous. I am fairly shy. I feel like attention only highlights the weaknesses, but I love to check and see what countries are looking at my blog. (What up, Latvia? Hey, Hong Kong. Russia, I see you looking.) I love when it is somewhere far away. I love the idea that I am entertaining someone across the globe and that people are talking about the things I say, even though deep down in my heart I know they probably clicked it by accident. Hey, I can still dream of international stardom...no matter how unlikely.
I was hoping to find some deeper meaning to my life, but the one thing that I have found out about myself that I think will serve me well is the realization that- (DRUMROLL please)
I am just NOT that deep! (You probably knew that all along.)
1. I really do have a terrible memory. I have great ideas about what to write, but I can't seem to remember them once I get to the computer. If I do remember the topic, I forget what nugget sparked it or the funny anecdote that corresponds. Then there are the days when I forget about it all together. I will be driving home and the minute I get on the highway I remember and think, "Augh. I forgot to blog." I am not sure how to fix it, but recognizing the problem has to count for something.
2. I am even more self-absorbed than I thought. It is always about me. Even when I write about other people, it comes back to me. I have decided to explain it away by saying that I talk about me because it is the subject I know best and because it prevents me from violating anybody's trust by sharing personal stories about my friends.
3. I may be paranoid. When I first started my blog, I let all of my friends and family members know what I was doing. I thought it would be fun for them to read about how I stumble through life and pretend to want to get my life together. I say pretend because we all know that the veggie burger and fries that I ate for lunch today were not on the pre-approved "get your life together" food list. The problem with that is I am now convinced that I will be ratted out to my bosses or an object of ridicule at any time. I have no idea why one of my friends would do this to me, but with every entry I wonder if today will be the day I get called into the office and confronted with print outs.
4. I do care what peopel think because I know that at any time my SIL, MIL, Husband, or talked about friend will see what I have written and given the entire world access to. I can't say all the things that I am really thinking because if I were to really let the curtains come down I am convinced I would get myself into serious trouble- not for cursing or raunchiness, but because it is my natural inclination to make fun of people and situations and that habit makes it hard to keep friends.
5. I really like attention when I get to be anonymous. I am fairly shy. I feel like attention only highlights the weaknesses, but I love to check and see what countries are looking at my blog. (What up, Latvia? Hey, Hong Kong. Russia, I see you looking.) I love when it is somewhere far away. I love the idea that I am entertaining someone across the globe and that people are talking about the things I say, even though deep down in my heart I know they probably clicked it by accident. Hey, I can still dream of international stardom...no matter how unlikely.
I was hoping to find some deeper meaning to my life, but the one thing that I have found out about myself that I think will serve me well is the realization that- (DRUMROLL please)
I am just NOT that deep! (You probably knew that all along.)
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Trying
I am trying to do a lot of things. Right now, I am trying to blog knowing that I have somewhere to be in 9 minutes. I am trying to get back on track with eating right. This should be easy considering people asked me about being pregnant yesterday.
1st- Lady that I see often in the building. "I didn't know you were pregnant." My response, "I'm not. I just look that way." My deadpan delivery clearly made her uncomfortable and she apologized and told me that she was on her way to a Weight Watchers meeting. I wished her well, but secretly hoped she had gained 5 pounds. If only my dirty look had the power of a donut.
2nd- Man I have never seen before. "So when is your baby due?" I respond coldly, "I don't have a baby due." I would have lunged at his throat, but I had just run 3.5 miles the day before without stretching after, so sudden movements were not an option. He then tried to tell me that I looked nice and he liked my outfit. I was to irritated to respond.
So that is my motivation for today, I guess. It has not stopped me from wanting to eat all kinds of bad foods, but it did make me reconsider my portion sizes. I know I said I wanted to be a better person and I think that it working because I have gotten much better at not lashing out at people who say crazy or hurtful things to me. I am really glad to say that, but...
I am going to need God to stop testing me!
1st- Lady that I see often in the building. "I didn't know you were pregnant." My response, "I'm not. I just look that way." My deadpan delivery clearly made her uncomfortable and she apologized and told me that she was on her way to a Weight Watchers meeting. I wished her well, but secretly hoped she had gained 5 pounds. If only my dirty look had the power of a donut.
2nd- Man I have never seen before. "So when is your baby due?" I respond coldly, "I don't have a baby due." I would have lunged at his throat, but I had just run 3.5 miles the day before without stretching after, so sudden movements were not an option. He then tried to tell me that I looked nice and he liked my outfit. I was to irritated to respond.
So that is my motivation for today, I guess. It has not stopped me from wanting to eat all kinds of bad foods, but it did make me reconsider my portion sizes. I know I said I wanted to be a better person and I think that it working because I have gotten much better at not lashing out at people who say crazy or hurtful things to me. I am really glad to say that, but...
I am going to need God to stop testing me!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Dream Job
When I was younger I really wanted to be the person who came up with the Wheel of Fortune puzzles. I would sit and think of them. I was really good at the Before&After category. It would have been my dream job, but like most kiddie "dream" jobs, I had absolutely no idea how to make that happen. To be perfectly honest, I still don't know how to get that job.
I was thinking about this the other day when I read an article on Yahoo saying that there are manufacturing jobs in the Midwest paying almost $100,000 and they can't get people interested in them. WHAT? Where was I at on career day when they reviewed this one. It must have been the same day they taught about Ice Cream Tester, Soda Maker, and Sleep Study Subject.
I think we need to revamp career day and make it about the jobs that we really dream about having once we grow up. Yes, some of us will still want to be fire fighting, rock star, superhero doctors (or something that you need a post-graduate degree for), but many of us would be quite happy with a high school diploma and $100,000 a year.
I was thinking about this the other day when I read an article on Yahoo saying that there are manufacturing jobs in the Midwest paying almost $100,000 and they can't get people interested in them. WHAT? Where was I at on career day when they reviewed this one. It must have been the same day they taught about Ice Cream Tester, Soda Maker, and Sleep Study Subject.
I think we need to revamp career day and make it about the jobs that we really dream about having once we grow up. Yes, some of us will still want to be fire fighting, rock star, superhero doctors (or something that you need a post-graduate degree for), but many of us would be quite happy with a high school diploma and $100,000 a year.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Breathing
I will never forget that day. I was standing in the bookstore near my job perusing for something I could read during my downtime when a man walked up on the side of me. I did not pay him much attention after I realized he was looking too and not trying to pass by. Then out of nowhere he says, "God, why are you breathing like that?" I was stunned. What was he talking about? I responded by curiously asking, "What?". At this point I was not upset, but caught off guard by this stranger. He retorted in a matter of fact voice, "You are just breathing so heavy."
I was shell-shocked into a moment of self-reflection that prevented any eye-rolling, neck popping response and ended the conversation with, "Um, don't know. Sorry" and walked away. I am rarely embarrassed. Anger comes much easier, but this was one of those times when I had to question myself. "How loud was I breathing that this person could not only hear me, but question it? Does it sound like I am in distress?What kind of person listens to someone else breathing?" So many questions flooded me as I walked back to work.
I became obsessed pretty quickly. I told Husband and all my friends. (Yes, ALL 5 of them- insert sarcastic tone.) I started listening to myself breathe as I walked, as I sat, when I talked and while doing mundane things. I realized something. He was right and I mean this is in the most non-judgemental expression of a stereotype. I breathe like a fat girl!
It is deep and breathy and much like a commentator once said about Whitney's voice, it does not seem like it should come from a person of my stature. How long had I been breathing like this and why had nobody that "loves" me ever pointed it out? They say it is because they did not really notice, but I was in full blown crazy by then. Had other people noticed? Could the person next to me at the market hear it? What about on the phone? I started trying to control it, but I just felt oxygen deprived. In one of my moments of clarity, (Yes. I have them- albeit rarely.) decided that was not a price worth paying and went back to my "normal" breathing. I mean, hey, that might be why I can run so long without feeling winded or exercise without sweating and besides that one weirdo nobody else seems to care.
This all came back to me today as I was approaching the bathroom with a coworker. We had been conversing and I realized that we were both headed to the same place. (Dun...dun...dun) I hate going into the bathroom with people. It is so awkward. I don't like to talk in there and unless we are really good friends I don't want to be privy to your "business" and I don't want you hearing mine. As we parted ways to go into the stalls. I thought to myself, "I hope she can't hear me breathing!" Then I proceeded to hold my breath and only let it out in small shallow silent spurts. It was torture and I have no real explanation for my behavior. Because I could not breath, I tried to pee in Olympic speed and hurried out of the restroom.
It was ridiculous, but was a moment that was SO totally me!
I was shell-shocked into a moment of self-reflection that prevented any eye-rolling, neck popping response and ended the conversation with, "Um, don't know. Sorry" and walked away. I am rarely embarrassed. Anger comes much easier, but this was one of those times when I had to question myself. "How loud was I breathing that this person could not only hear me, but question it? Does it sound like I am in distress?What kind of person listens to someone else breathing?" So many questions flooded me as I walked back to work.
I became obsessed pretty quickly. I told Husband and all my friends. (Yes, ALL 5 of them- insert sarcastic tone.) I started listening to myself breathe as I walked, as I sat, when I talked and while doing mundane things. I realized something. He was right and I mean this is in the most non-judgemental expression of a stereotype. I breathe like a fat girl!
It is deep and breathy and much like a commentator once said about Whitney's voice, it does not seem like it should come from a person of my stature. How long had I been breathing like this and why had nobody that "loves" me ever pointed it out? They say it is because they did not really notice, but I was in full blown crazy by then. Had other people noticed? Could the person next to me at the market hear it? What about on the phone? I started trying to control it, but I just felt oxygen deprived. In one of my moments of clarity, (Yes. I have them- albeit rarely.) decided that was not a price worth paying and went back to my "normal" breathing. I mean, hey, that might be why I can run so long without feeling winded or exercise without sweating and besides that one weirdo nobody else seems to care.
This all came back to me today as I was approaching the bathroom with a coworker. We had been conversing and I realized that we were both headed to the same place. (Dun...dun...dun) I hate going into the bathroom with people. It is so awkward. I don't like to talk in there and unless we are really good friends I don't want to be privy to your "business" and I don't want you hearing mine. As we parted ways to go into the stalls. I thought to myself, "I hope she can't hear me breathing!" Then I proceeded to hold my breath and only let it out in small shallow silent spurts. It was torture and I have no real explanation for my behavior. Because I could not breath, I tried to pee in Olympic speed and hurried out of the restroom.
It was ridiculous, but was a moment that was SO totally me!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Back on Track
I have been a little down lately, but I have decided today to make an effort to get myself together and get back on track. I think my hormone levels are back to normal, as I once again seem able to follow rational thought patterns. Besides, one more day of mopping and I was going to have to stage my own intervention.
I have had so many good ideas while I was in my funk, but I can't remember any of them now. GRRR! I must start writing things down. My friend wants to come over and help me figure out something to do with my hair so I am sure that I will have something good to say tomorrow. She keeps saying that I am going to have to "train" my hair to get the style that I want now that I am natural. I find this notion to be completely ridiculous. Why would I train my hair? Doesn't that go against the implications of natural? My hair is curly, but it is more work to wear it in its natural state than it was to wear it straight everyday because traditional combing and brushing are not happen and I don't have 3 hours to dedicate to a routine. So until I get a 15 minute plan, the pony tail stays.
I have been trying to think of ways to limit the amount of talking between myself and Boss Lady and I came up with a brilliant idea. I think that from now on when she talks to me I should only reply to her in Spanish. I think it would be great and I may finally be able to answer her the way she so richly deserves for constantly butting in my conversations, messing with things on my desk, and constantly pestering and sticking her nose in my business. I then thought of extending it to the entire office, until I realized that there are a few people who would converse back and I don't want to limit my office talk time to just them, seeing as though they are not on the friend list either. Back to the drawing board- my Ipod to be more specific- on that one.
I was in the elevator with these two women who were talking about how one of them is to nervous to say "Hi" to the minister who performed her wedding. Lady #2 asked if she even thought the guy would remember them. Lady #1 responded that she and her husband were the first couple he ever married. Lady #2 seemed like she was breaking bad news when she replied that he probably would remember them. Lady #1 says that is why she never speaks when she sees him. This led me to a couple of thoughts in rapid succession.
That was pretty much my day. I came, I saw, I eavesdropped. Not to bad, if I do say so myself!
I have had so many good ideas while I was in my funk, but I can't remember any of them now. GRRR! I must start writing things down. My friend wants to come over and help me figure out something to do with my hair so I am sure that I will have something good to say tomorrow. She keeps saying that I am going to have to "train" my hair to get the style that I want now that I am natural. I find this notion to be completely ridiculous. Why would I train my hair? Doesn't that go against the implications of natural? My hair is curly, but it is more work to wear it in its natural state than it was to wear it straight everyday because traditional combing and brushing are not happen and I don't have 3 hours to dedicate to a routine. So until I get a 15 minute plan, the pony tail stays.
I have been trying to think of ways to limit the amount of talking between myself and Boss Lady and I came up with a brilliant idea. I think that from now on when she talks to me I should only reply to her in Spanish. I think it would be great and I may finally be able to answer her the way she so richly deserves for constantly butting in my conversations, messing with things on my desk, and constantly pestering and sticking her nose in my business. I then thought of extending it to the entire office, until I realized that there are a few people who would converse back and I don't want to limit my office talk time to just them, seeing as though they are not on the friend list either. Back to the drawing board- my Ipod to be more specific- on that one.
I was in the elevator with these two women who were talking about how one of them is to nervous to say "Hi" to the minister who performed her wedding. Lady #2 asked if she even thought the guy would remember them. Lady #1 responded that she and her husband were the first couple he ever married. Lady #2 seemed like she was breaking bad news when she replied that he probably would remember them. Lady #1 says that is why she never speaks when she sees him. This led me to a couple of thoughts in rapid succession.
- Was this minister a stranger not from a church they attend?
- Is she really dodging a minister? Why?
- Why am I in this conversation when she is clearly not talking to me? (Boss Lady is rubbing off on me.)
- How come she isn't wearing a wedding ring?
That was pretty much my day. I came, I saw, I eavesdropped. Not to bad, if I do say so myself!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Better Day?
How do you recover from your worst birthday ever?
I know! You go to court only to be told that you cannot pay your fine because they don't accept American Express. AARRGGHHHH! I know that I decided this would be my year of positive thinking and drawing closer to God. I am still down with God and I hope that as we get closer my outlook on things get better, but I have to say right now I am in a pretty sucky mood.
It is a shame really because I had such a good weekend leading up to my birthday. We went to see dinner theater, which is something neither of us had done before. I even got to participate. It was SO much fun. We went to the movies and saw a movie with adult actors and no animation, which people with small children will tell is a rarity. We ate great food, stayed at a fancy hotel and took tourist pictures. It was AWESOME.
I never took physics, but I understand what they must of have meant by every action having/causing an equal and oposite reaction. That must be what I am going through now. It is the bounce back from my weekend.
It stinks right now, but the weekend I just had was worth all the fuss!
I know! You go to court only to be told that you cannot pay your fine because they don't accept American Express. AARRGGHHHH! I know that I decided this would be my year of positive thinking and drawing closer to God. I am still down with God and I hope that as we get closer my outlook on things get better, but I have to say right now I am in a pretty sucky mood.
It is a shame really because I had such a good weekend leading up to my birthday. We went to see dinner theater, which is something neither of us had done before. I even got to participate. It was SO much fun. We went to the movies and saw a movie with adult actors and no animation, which people with small children will tell is a rarity. We ate great food, stayed at a fancy hotel and took tourist pictures. It was AWESOME.
I never took physics, but I understand what they must of have meant by every action having/causing an equal and oposite reaction. That must be what I am going through now. It is the bounce back from my weekend.
It stinks right now, but the weekend I just had was worth all the fuss!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Birthday
Today is my birthday. It is usually my favorite day of the year, but today has been the worse birthday I have ever had.
1. My gift from God was the assurance that I am a not pregnant. Thanks, but I could have done without the cramps.
2. Husband still being standoffish as a result of our disagreement the night before. So far, no birthday hug and no midday call.
3. My mother called to tell me at about 8AM that the student loan people are going to garnish my wages if I don't get my life together. (Her suggestion was to go back for my Ph.D. NOT exciting birthday talk.)
4. I have NO money. Like ZERO dollars.
5. I remembered that I had a ticket due tomorrow. I drove home after dropping LoLo at school and somehow found it only to discover I cannot pay it online and am REQUIRED to go to court tomorrow. (Did I mention I have no money to pay this ticket?)
7. The card one of my best friends sent me via email was blocked by IT.
8. I still hate my hair, but I am too afraid of the headaches coming back to go back to straight hair.
9. I have nothing to look forward to when I go home. Maybe my kids will have a card for me, but today will be about laundry, homework and trying to keep my house from looking as jumbled as my thoughts.
10. Lastly, you have read this blog before so you can just imagine how much fun I had at work on my birthday with cramps.
On the bright side, I am pretty sure that God still loves me. I did get a free lunch courtesy of my friends and I have not been fired yet. I also fit into a pair of jeans this weekend that I could not even look at a couple months ago.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
1. My gift from God was the assurance that I am a not pregnant. Thanks, but I could have done without the cramps.
2. Husband still being standoffish as a result of our disagreement the night before. So far, no birthday hug and no midday call.
3. My mother called to tell me at about 8AM that the student loan people are going to garnish my wages if I don't get my life together. (Her suggestion was to go back for my Ph.D. NOT exciting birthday talk.)
4. I have NO money. Like ZERO dollars.
5. I remembered that I had a ticket due tomorrow. I drove home after dropping LoLo at school and somehow found it only to discover I cannot pay it online and am REQUIRED to go to court tomorrow. (Did I mention I have no money to pay this ticket?)
7. The card one of my best friends sent me via email was blocked by IT.
8. I still hate my hair, but I am too afraid of the headaches coming back to go back to straight hair.
9. I have nothing to look forward to when I go home. Maybe my kids will have a card for me, but today will be about laundry, homework and trying to keep my house from looking as jumbled as my thoughts.
10. Lastly, you have read this blog before so you can just imagine how much fun I had at work on my birthday with cramps.
On the bright side, I am pretty sure that God still loves me. I did get a free lunch courtesy of my friends and I have not been fired yet. I also fit into a pair of jeans this weekend that I could not even look at a couple months ago.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
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