Breathing

I will never forget that day. I was standing in the bookstore near my job perusing for something I could read during my downtime when a man walked up on the side of me. I did not pay him much attention after I realized he was looking too and not trying to pass by. Then out of nowhere he says, "God, why are you breathing like that?" I was stunned. What was he talking about? I responded by curiously asking, "What?". At this point I was not upset, but caught off guard by this stranger. He retorted in a matter of fact voice, "You are just breathing so heavy."

I was shell-shocked into a moment of self-reflection that prevented any eye-rolling, neck popping response and ended the conversation with, "Um, don't know. Sorry" and walked away. I am rarely embarrassed. Anger comes much easier, but this was one of those times when I had to question myself. "How loud was I breathing that this person could not only hear me, but question it? Does it sound like I am in distress?What kind of person listens to someone else breathing?" So many questions flooded me as I walked back to work.

I became obsessed pretty quickly. I told Husband and all my friends. (Yes, ALL 5 of them- insert sarcastic tone.) I started listening to myself breathe as I walked, as I sat, when I talked and while doing mundane things. I realized something. He was right and I mean this is in the most non-judgemental expression of a stereotype. I breathe like a fat girl!

It is deep and breathy and much like a commentator once said about Whitney's voice, it does not seem like it should come from a person of my stature. How long had I been breathing like this and why had nobody that "loves" me ever pointed it out? They say it is because they did not really notice, but I was in full blown crazy by then. Had other people noticed? Could the person next to me at the market hear it? What about on the phone? I started trying to control it, but I just felt oxygen deprived. In one of my moments of clarity, (Yes. I have them- albeit rarely.) decided that was not a price worth paying and went back to my "normal" breathing. I mean, hey, that might be why I can run so long without feeling winded or exercise without sweating and besides that one weirdo nobody else seems to care.

This all came back to me today as I was approaching the bathroom with a coworker. We had been conversing and I realized that we were both headed to the same place. (Dun...dun...dun) I hate going into the bathroom with people. It is so awkward. I don't like to talk in there and unless we are really good friends I don't want to be privy to your "business" and I don't want you hearing mine. As we parted ways to go into the stalls. I thought to myself, "I hope she can't hear me breathing!" Then I proceeded to hold my breath and only let it out in small shallow silent spurts. It was torture and I have no real explanation for my behavior. Because I could not breath, I tried to pee in Olympic speed and hurried out of the restroom.

It was ridiculous, but was a moment that was SO totally me!