No Explanations

I have been married for a while and sometimes I forget what it is like to be in the dating game. Thankfully, I have friends to remind me of all that I am missing. Usually, it leads to me being exceptionally nice to husband for a few days, but it did cause me to think of something that I want to share.

It may sound silly at first and for some may come across as common sense, but considering the number of times this has come up in recent conversation I just had to say it loudly and in public. Please pay attention.

Your relationships SHOULD make SENSE! (Say it to yourself slowly. Twice, if you have to.)

It never ceases to amaze me the number of things that my friends try to explain in terms of relationships, be they romantic or friendly. Stop trying to explain away someone's bad behavior or their incompatibility with your lifestyle. It always reminds me of the Jennifer Aniston movie, The Object of My Affection, where she is in love with her best friend because he is perfect except for the fact that he is GAY. There is no amount of explaining that will make that relationship work. Something that is pointed out to her later in the film when Alan Alda's character (I think it was him. It has been a while since I watched.) tells her, "Have you noticed that you're the only practicing heterosexual at your Thanksgiving dinner?" and even though her comeback is pretty funny ("I haven't practiced in a while.") It drove home the point that no amount of rationalizing was going to make that relationship work- in a romantic way.

The same is true for many of the things that my friends say. I am especially suspicious unsolicited explanations. If I say, "Hey, how was dinner last night? Did you go to the new place you were talking about?" and they follow it up with, "Well, you know how he gets, but it wasn't his fault and I don't know. It could be because he has worked all week, but..." That is too much explaining for the simple question that I asked. This leads me to believe that you want to frame things in a way that will keep me from disliking him. That means there is something to dislike and you are trying to cover for him/her. That is never a good sign.

The same is true in friendships. If I say, "Oh, have you talked to whats-her-name? That sounds like something she might want to go to." and you give me some drawn out story about how you haven't called her since the time you think you may have been interpreted as distant because she seemed to feel ignored, but you aren't sure, then I am going to file her under "SUSPICIOUS". That is not how relationships should work.

No, I don't think they are always easy, but they should make sense. You should not feel compelled to explain the ups and downs because normal ones are to be expected. It is the abnormal and unhealthy ones that need to be explained. Did you ever think that the reason you are so determined to make me understand your continuing with this person is because you yourself don't understand why you continue with this person. That you are explaining it to me as a means of making it ok and explaining it to yourself. That is not a good sign. People may sometimes wonder and it is ok to clarify a point or two, but relationships SHOULD make sense. People close to you should be able to at least in a general sense that your relationship works in a very basic sense. Those kinds of things should not have to be explained. I will repeat this, having to continually explain away things is generally a BAD sign.

I mean, think about it. How long before you realize, "It's ok because..." is not actually ok?  The only person that you are fooling is yourself and then when it doesn't work out you wonder why we didn't tell you sooner. It is because you told us it was "OK", remember?
Here's to no more "explanation necessary" relationships! Hip Hip Hooray!