Still Looking

This blog is titled Finding Janaan and began with the expressed hopes that I would not only make people laugh by giving them a look at my own personal brand of crazy, but that I might gain further insight into myself. I thought about that today and wondered what I have really learned about myself since beginning this blog.

1. I really do have a terrible memory. I have great ideas about what to write, but I can't seem to remember them once I get to the computer. If I do remember the topic, I forget what nugget sparked it or the funny anecdote that corresponds. Then there are the days when I forget about it all together. I will be driving home and the minute I get on the highway I remember and think, "Augh. I forgot to blog." I am not sure how to fix it, but recognizing the problem has to count for something.

2. I am even more self-absorbed than I thought. It is always about me. Even when I write about other people, it comes back to me. I have decided to explain it away by saying that I talk about me because it is the subject I know best and because it prevents me from violating anybody's trust by sharing personal stories about my friends.

3. I may be paranoid. When I first started my blog, I let all of my friends and family members know what I was doing. I thought it would be fun for them to read about how I stumble through life and pretend to want to get my life together. I say pretend because we all know that the veggie burger and fries that I ate for lunch today were not on the pre-approved "get your life together" food list. The problem with that is I am now convinced that I will be ratted out to my bosses or an object of ridicule at any time. I have no idea why one of my friends would do this to me, but with every entry I wonder if today will be the day I get called into the office and confronted with print outs.

4. I do care what peopel think because I know that at any time my SIL, MIL, Husband, or talked about friend will see what I have written and given the entire world access to. I can't say all the things that I am really thinking because if I were to really let the curtains come down I am convinced I would get myself into serious trouble- not for cursing or raunchiness, but because it is my natural inclination to make fun of people and situations and that habit makes it hard to keep friends.

5. I really like attention when I get to be anonymous. I am fairly shy. I feel like attention only highlights the weaknesses, but I love to check and see what countries are looking at my blog. (What up, Latvia? Hey, Hong Kong. Russia, I see you looking.) I love when it is somewhere far away. I love the idea that I am entertaining someone across the globe and that people are talking about the things I say, even though deep down in my heart I know they probably clicked it by accident. Hey, I can still dream of international stardom...no matter how unlikely.

I was hoping to find some deeper meaning to my life, but the one thing that I have found out about myself that I think will serve me well is the realization that- (DRUMROLL please)

I am just NOT that deep! (You probably knew that all along.)