Just Waiting

I came home after driving across state lines with my children and mother to find my house was a mess. Husband and our nephew have been at the house living it up big boy style and made no effort to clean. Dishes in the sink and dirty bathrooms. What is going on here? They did not even unload the dishwasher that I ran the morning that I left. What have you been eating off of and drinking out of? Could it be the plate that I found in the refrigerator? Is this what happens when there is no estrogen to balance out the testosterone?

Taking all that in must have left me stunned because I am on auto-pilot today. I got up this morning, took a shower and drove to work, all without any real sense of what I was doing. I came in and started my day. I was so out of it that I did not even think to eat for the first hour or so. I hung out with my girls and ate lunch.  We laughed and then I came back to work, but it all seems like something that I am watching myself do as opposed to being something that I am actively involved in.

I have also applied to a ridiculous number of jobs today. This would be great if I were working with a resume that I was proud of, but after having a friend look at it, I have come to realize that it is crap and may be one of the reasons I am stuck here. She sent me notes and asked me questions in the hopes of making changes, but to be honest I have no idea or real interest in "selling myself". It is by far my least favorite thing. Shocking, considering how much I like to talk about me and all things concerning me. I guess I operate under the assumption that everyone should already accept the awesomeness that is me. Proving it to someone has never really been my thing.

Back to today, I am pretty sure that I have been having conversations while on auto-pilot. The danger is that much like when you pull into your driveway and don't really remember the drive home, I don't remember what I said. I hope I wasn't telling people my real thoughts. I doubt it because everyone is still talking to me. I do know that I have been fairly non-responsive to Boss Lady today and that has given a small amount of peace as she will usually walk away if she thinks I am busy working. Clearly she thinks that is the only reason that I would have not to want to talk. I see no need to correct her on that one.

I have so much to do and I just cannot seem to connect today. It is like I am just sitting, just waiting for something to happen. I would say that I want to go home, but my children live there and that is last place I can go to relax and reconnect. Hopefully, my run this afternoon will clear out my cobwebs.

Speaking of running, I finally tried Ebay in the hopes of scoring some cheap workout dvds and realized I don't have the patience for bidding or the attention span to follow up on my bids. I lost interest after being outbid a few times and resumed my wait. I think that I am really just waiting for some sign of hope. An interview call back (not likely, if I don't get my resume and cover letter together), someone to come clean my house, my bosses to take some time off, or seeing myself from a good angle in the mirror. Even my laugh feels like I am waiting for a better joke. I am just waiting for something about this day to feel worthwhile. Maybe what I really waiting for is for Husband to clean the kitchen.

The suspense is killing me.

I also would like to apologize for the errors because my Spellcheck button has disappeared.