Happy New Year

Woo Hoo! Happy New Year!

I am so excited to see another year, but I have to admit that I miss Husband and our babies. They are away visiting. I had to stay behind because I could not get off work. I am going to pull through, though because I'm tough. I am, however, apparently lame.

I did not get a single NYE invite, so I am at home alone in my pajamas watching HGTV waiting for Husband to ring me on FaceTime me. I also found myself watching Despicable Me, which was really cute to see without having to stop for someone to go to the bathroom or clean up a drink spill. My only invitation was from my mother and while I will admit that I may be lame, even I am not that lame. Somehow staying home seems cooler than kissing your mom at midnight.

I am approaching this new year a little differently. I do not normally make resolutions, but this year I have made up my mind to do some things differently. I am going to be more fiscally responsible. It is going to hurt, but I am determined to live on a budget and get my bills under control. I have already started, but I am going to build on my small changes to make my money work for me for a change. Lastly, I am going to drop the last of the baby weight this year. I have the means. I just have to figure out a way to maintain the motivation and find the time.

It is scary for me to type this and know that I have to be accountable, but it is like I tell my clients, "nothing is impossible; you haven't figured out a way yet." I truly believe that. So, bare with me as I figure out my way to make it happen for me.

Hope you figure out how to get what you want from this year!

Holiday Jealousy

I have heard it said that the holidays bring out the best and the worst in people. The same is apparently true for weddings and funerals. I can attest to the wedding situation, having lost a friend to bitterness and a total lack of support for my "big" day (everything about it was a problem/inconvenience for her). Th funeral one does not really bother me because I'll be dead and since my plan is to go to heaven, I should be to distracted to notice the grudge someone may be holding about my dying before returning their hand mixer.

It is sad to think that the holidays are so hard for some people. I love the holidays. I love decorating and buying gifts and being with family and friends. I love the way my kids get so  excited that they open gifts that don't even belong to them. I only have one pet peeve and it is a recently developed one. It is an issue that caught me off guard and one that I feel that I should probably be ashamed to say out loud, but shame has never stopped me before, so here it is.

I am jealous of Santa. I do all the work and he gets all the credit. I am the one that went to the store and stayed up past my bedtime to wrap presents. I did not even get credit for decorating the tree. My son thinks that elves came and did it while he was sleeping so that Santa would know where to leave the presents. He did let me know that elves can fly because that is how they got the star on the top of the tree. It just seems cruel to shout out "Elves my foot! I put up that tree and made Daddy help me decorate."

It is just not fair. He is going to thank some fat guy at the mall with a beard for my present. I know that Christmas is not about getting recognition. Don't even roll your eyes at me like that. I just have to be honest that it burns my biscuits a little. You are probably thinking, "Well, why did you teach him about Santa?" Well, Smarty, I didn't. He learned about it at that fancy Christian school he goes to. I thought they were going to teach him about Jesus and the gifts of the three wise men and do you know what I get? "Mommy, who is Santa?" (That was last year.) This year he knows. His friends talk about him and if his friends say it then it must be true. I can't explain that little Shay Shay's mom is a liar. Trust me. It would not end well.

So here I am desperately wanting a thank you and instead sending my hard fought kudos to the North Pole. Boo, Santa! Yay Mommy!

Joyful and Triumphant

I have learned a lot this year. I changed jobs and found that I traded one kind of crazy for another. I wonder if that is a middle management requirement because that could make me reconsider advancing in my field. It is kind of like becoming a parent. You spent your whole childhood saying you would never be like your parents or say what they say and the first thing out of your mouth is something like "because I said so" or "while you live under my roof, you live by my rules". It is kind of crazy how fast it turns on and I really don't want that to happen to me at work the way it has happened to me at home.

I have also learned that crazy and stupid are not the same thing. My boss has admitted that she may be crazy, but not stupid and I believe her because from the moment I talked about and applied for a department transfer she has started to come up with opportunities she had previously reported to me as not being possible. I can now work days instead of nights and with the population I love.

In the spirit of not being stupid, I would like to thank God because I know that this did not happen because of something I did. He has totally made a way out of no way. He made my census low right as the other census rose and gave me the courage to make myself available when it is usually my nature to quit while I feel like I am ahead.

After this, I may never have to miss my son in a school play again. That feeling is the greatest gift in the world to me right now. It is finally starting to feel like Christmas and I am feeling both joyful and triumphant.

Happy Divorce

I have two friends on the the divorce spectrum. Jigga is finalizing hers and Chyna is in dire need of one, but doing everything in her power to ignore the big white elephant in the room. She has instead chosen to live like she is divorced without the paperwork or separate apartment. It is kind of like when people say they don't need a "piece of paper to be married", but for divorce. I guess if I can be okay with JJ Santana "shacking" with her man then I could be okay with what Chyna is doing, but for some reason it just feels crazy to me. I think it is because what they have going on is just messy and I hate when things are messy.

I also have a friend who is probably in need of a divorce, but will never get one. I say that with a confidence that I reserve for absolutes like the existence of God. Their relationship is totally toxic, but the only person that seems to be a problem for is me. They are that couple that you stare at because you are just waiting for the train to go off the track in a glorious reck.  They are the couple that you are always expecting to break up. Every time she calls you after 10 pm you assume/hope beyond hope that it is to pull a Taylor Swift and tell you that they are "never EVER ever getting back together", but then one night she calls and screams into the phone that they are engaged. YAY!?@&!? You try to be happy, but you cannot imagine a scenario where they are a good match for each other.

In this case, my friend married a jerk with a drinking problem. I want to say that I have nothing against those who struggle with addiction. My only hope as a therapist is that they seek treatment and get the help that they need. The problem is that she married a jerk with a drinking problem. I sincerely think that she believed that his drinking is what made him a selfish mean jerk, but he is all those things sober. Now what is the excuse? Nothing, but she won't leave because she has invested so much time in this project and become so codependent that she just cannot bring herself to walk away. Let's be honest; starting over is much easier said than done.

This leaves me unsure of what to hope for. I have decided to go for him becoming a better person. I love a long shot. I just listen and pretend like this relationship does not make my face hurt. I also plan to celebrate Jigga getting her freedom papers and to sit and listen and be there for Chyna because when he bubble bursts it is going to be a mess and she is going to need someone to listen while she tries to clean it up.

Maybe "shacking" isn't so bad after all. Just joking, Jesus!

So Wierd

My daughter looks so much like me sometimes that it totally freaks me out. It is like one of my baby pictures was brought to life and is wreaking havoc all over my house. She smiles like me and has a lot of my mannerisms. She definitely has my attitude.

Last week I came out of the bathroom and found her with her hand in the lotion wiping it all over her face, neck and down her shirt. She told me she looked "Pitty"- her word for pretty. I am a goid parent, so before I cleaned her up I taped it. Then this morning she runs into the bathroom screaming and laughing for no reason and says, "I got it". She then turned and ran away. The scene looked like it was taken from a picture my mother has of me running through the house. All I could do was laugh.

All this just leads me to want to call my mother and apologize because apparently I was quite the handful.

Trying

I am about to eat a Lean Cuisine for breakfast. That is right. I am about to eat an enchilada at 8 AM. To make matters worse, my daughter who I gave a real breakfast is asking for some. I don't mind sharing with her usually, but I feel like this is a bad idea and I should not get her involved in my foolishness quite so early in life.

It may not sound like it but I am trying to do better. I have made up my mind to work the best way I know how and to polish my résumé at the same time. I cannot continue to drive for an hour to feel unappreciated. I am pretty sure I can be treated badly closer to my house. As I fought back tears yesterday after my boss made another unfair cutting remark, I did what any mature women in my situation would do. I called my Mommy. She talked me off the ledge as usual and then proceeded to give me the much needed advice that I did not want to hear. I need to work just as hard to find a job as I do at my job.

Then she moved on to asking me about vacation time and going with my family for at least the weekend before New Years. They are going because my work schedule is crazy and I can't seem to ever get time off. I won't even get into how I feel about that. She wants to get me a plane ticket for a Christmas gift, but I am not sure what days I have off. At this point I am not sure if going would be helpful. The last thing I want to add to my exhaustion and frazzled nerves is jet lag. I can't see how that would make things better. Plus, Husband has a really nice family that likes to see him and in my attention starved state I will probably end up angry and jealous and irrational- not exactly a relationship boost. Maybe I should just stay home and clean my house like I planned.

I feel like I want to do better and do the right thing, eat the right thing and all those things, but I don't know where to start. Thank God for prayer and this Lean Cuisine because that is where I am coming from.

At least I'm trying.

Tough Times

You know a girl is missing her soaps when she begins to examine the love lives of the characters in her children's cartoons. The other day I caught myself wondering why Handy Manny and Kelly have so many awkward silences and if they ever went out, ever were going to go out or if this might be the moment when they finally kiss. I realized what I was doing, decided to hang my head in shame and went back to folding laundry. Life just is not the same without Erica Kane.

I have been thinking a lot about drama in life. I really like to watch drama on tv, but I am not that into it in real life. For example, I have a friend who recently went on vacation with a guy I consider to be her boyfriend. The problem is that her kids were ar home with the guy legally considered her husband. Drama? Exactly! I have friends who are still looking for love (at least that is what they say they are looking for) in all the wrong places. I have to say that romantically I am in a good place, but I realize that I have my own drama to sort out.

I have money problems, for real. I have no idea how to handle money. I was smart enough to marry someone who is great at it, but what if he dies? (I don't worry about him leaving because I would have to kill him and then the state would take care of both my money and my children.) The thought of taking care of my finances alone frightens me enough to reconsider my stance on remarriage. Maybe I could get lucky twice, but I doubt it. I would probably end up with some awful swindler kind of guy. You know the type; they can smell weakness and desperation. No! I need to figure this out for myself.

I was standing in my room yesterday, when I heard from God and for once I was really listening. He is not going to bless me until I start living within my means and paying of my debts- not my mother, not my husband, but me. I thought to myself, "Aww...Crap!" I am not ready for that. I don't make enough. I don't know where to start and all other kinds of things, but His message was clear and consistent. (It is so frustrating how right God is ALL the time.)

It is going to be a tough time for me, but I am going to have to do the thing that scares me the most...BUDGET! Pray for me, for real!

Delete

I was trying to decide who to call the other day and as I scanned through my phone book I realized that I am a number hoarder. I have numbers to people I have no intention of calling and numbers for people that I have long since lost touch with and can only assume have changed their number since we last spoke.  I thought about deleting them, but it was so hard to push that button. It felt so permanent. I got rid of some obvious ones like the old parking pass code and email address from my old job, but when it came down to it, I just could not erase those numbers.

Does that make me crazy? I guess seeing those numbers still make me feel connected, like they will some day call me and I will see that name light up on my screen and it will be just like old times. Maybe it is because those people remind me of the person I used to be before the husband and the children. I don't want to forget that girl. I have learned a lot from her.

So the numbers are still there even if the times and friends have changed. I think that's will be able to hit delete one day. I have been thinking about it a lot lately, but that day is not today.